Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

Scratch Ella's Back So She Can Scratch Yours

This site runs on your donations, please support Miss Ella by making a little click and sending a dollar or twenty her way so she can keep researching and responding to all of your questions. Thank you!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Official new site for Go Ask Ella

Don't worry, Go Ask Ella hasn't gone M.I.A, she's just
using a spiffier and shinier new website to bring you
all she's got to offer!


Check it out, subscribe to her mailing list and don't be left behind
on all the juicy new happenings!

Love,

Ella

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Wearing Sexuality On Your Sleeve?

A raw, real and unscripted little interview with Miss Ella and her dear friend Miss Amber. Something we've been noticing about the ladies...
A little sisterhood dose on a Sunday, from us to you.






Why You Should Drink The Go Ask Ella Kool-Aid

Visiting with one of my favorite Geminis, Miss Amber Buck- a dear friend and also the first Go Ask Ella client.

Sharing is caring, check out what Amber has to say to you about working with Miss Ella.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Twisted Sister- threatened by the ladies

Question of the Week


Dear Ella,


You seem to be really comfortable with everything. How do you manage that?
In fact, I think you're the one girl I've met (and I haven't even met you in real life)
that I'm not intimidated by.  I don't trust girls, especially pretty ones- I think they're
evil most of the time which is why I just hang with the boys.  I hate that I look at
every girl and think how much prettier, smarter, thinner, better she is than me.  
I don't wanna be such a hater but girls are such drama and stuck up.
I'm not a tomboy but I'm not a priss either. What do I do?


Lonely girl with no sister


Dear Lonely Girl,


You do have a sister, it's you and it seems to me that that relationship needs a super dose of love.  If you judge being a girl so much, how can you enjoy being one?  I get it, I've been there and it changes when we become more aware of who we're being in situations.  


I believe that we are reflections.  What I mean to say is, what pisses you off in someone is something you won't accept about yourself.  Where are you creating drama in your life?  When have you created distrust in yourself?  I don't even mean to say that you've been distrustful in the eyes of others but of your own heart.


Women are emotional creatures, all people are but women have a lot more playing with them on a hormonal level among other things.  We're verbal, our brains co-conspire with both sides of the hemispheres simultaneously- we shed anew each month and we are able to hold and birth life- pretty awesome saucy beings, if I do say so myself.


My worst fights and deepest betrayals have been with women but it really began with myself because I was not being aware.  When you're confronted with hate (which is a very intense if not extreme sensation), it is an opportunity for you to witness how being right is safer than being love.  Do you understand what I mean by that?


When we judge others for their behavior, we make ourselves right and we disconnect from them and the lesson being presented.  In truth, we are all one.  Everything that exists is in us and it is our divine right to choose, and keep choosing, what we prefer.
So I ask you, how does it serve you to feel worse, better, different, superior, inferior, uglier, less dramatic?  How does it serve the people you are around?  How does it serve the world?  There will always be someone with more or less of what you have- from your perspective.   


What do you get out of not trusting and hating other women?  
A friend of mine once told me that the love we are withholding is the pain that we carry. We become addicted to our pain, our misery because it's familiar and it's something that we often commiserate (co-misery) on.  I used to bitch about a lot of things with my girlfriends to feel better but I never really did.  Rubbing wound to wound often only instigates or perpetuates a fallacy (that we're less than we are). Sometime venting is great but we have to remember that we're not our emotions, we are not our stories, we are not what someone else thinks, we are not even our experiences.  We are so much more than that.


I've had a number of close girlfriends throughout my life and I've definitely felt the things that you expressed.  I've had close friends sleep with my boyfriends, I've had big secrets revealed, I was ditched last minute by my best friend since kindergarten at prom... and you know what?  I learned a lot from those experiences, it's led me to have greater compassion and understanding for myself and what I want in a friendship.  
AND I did all those things to myself.  By taking responsibility for your part in every situation (which is something my mother always preached and I'd plug my fingers in my ears saying la-la-la-la), you are able to move on.  Acknowledge when something hurts and look at your role in it.  If it's about a guy, did you listen to your inner guidance/your heart when you chose to be with him?  I made some crappy decisions, quite a few actually, and unknowingly betrayed myself because I wasn't paying attention.  I was going for a fix outside of myself.  I know it seems trite but the whole expression about "loving yourself before you love someone else" isn't just about romantic love but sisterhood, friendship, family, et cetera.  You are not alone, truly you aren't.  Feeling lonely is a response to feeling disconnected from you and all that you are.  Create more time for you doing what you love- I find it's impossible to feel alone when I'm in nature or when I see a ridiculously adorable animal (which led me to nearly kissing a pig named Daisy today on a farm, but I digress).


The only thing in life that you have control over is how you show up for you.  Your reactions to what happens is what defines you, you choose it.  Who do you want to be?
Choose love over fear, choose compassion over righteousness, choose gratitude over bitterness. This is a daily practice, some days are easier than others but just keep choosing what feels good.  


Be the friend you want to be.  Be the sister you want to be.  
Live a little. 




Lovingly,


Your sister Ella




P.S. I think at a really young age we all experience a moment where someone we loved/trusted acted differently than we would have hoped or expected.  This often happens with our mothers, sisters or a best friend.  The beautiful thing about this is we're not in elementary school any more and we get to create our relationships more consciously as adults.  Change your belief and start being the change you want to see, now.  We can learn so much from the women we fear, it's what's in them that we're afraid to be, see, embrace and shine.  

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Are You Struggling With Finding Time For You?

This past week has been full of go-gadget go moments and has flipped
me all around like a triple somersault trampoline circus in a bouncey house.

Managing time, energy, to-do lists, desires.... I figured you, too, get
knocked around and may have trouble balancing it all.

Youtube allows me to record and publish videos immediately
on the site for your viewing pleasure so I took a moment today
to share some insights with you.

Check it out, watch below ;-)


Think about it... what's one thing you can do today to move
forward with something and what's one treat you can bestow
upon yourself? Do it, be it!

And, don't forget to submit your suggestion for the theme
of the upcoming teleconference Q&A call, if I choose
your idea- you get access to the call for free!

Email me at goaskella@gmail.com
and I'll be back next Monday with the answer
to the question of the week! It's gonna be a good one!

Oh and if you don't know what Lightning in a Bottle is...
Lightning in a Bottle

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Whatcha You Wanna Know? Tell Me and WIN!

Well, the moment has arrived and I'm so so so excited!
I'm going to hold my first EVER live teleconference
call so you can all tune in anonymously and get some Go Ask
Ella love and I'll open the floor to questions that you want answered.

And you could win access to the call for free.... check out the video!


I don't think I could wiggle and wag my tail more!
I'm tickled pink by the idea of asking you to help me set the tone of the
evening by suggesting what you want me to talk about.
So, get on it and put on your thinking caps and email me ASAP!

goaskella@gmail.com

More details to come about date/price but I wanted to let you in on the big news
and make it possible to really cover what you most want to know!


How to be more confident in bed? In life? There are a thousand
places I could go with this call so tell me what's crucial to you!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Mommies Need Love and Hot Sex Too!



Question of the Week


Dear Ella,


I am deeply in love with my man, it was love at first sight and right after our meeting, I moved hundreds of miles to the city where he was so we could be together.  Which leads us to where we are today... we decided our love was strong enough to give up any form of birth control and allow our family to be created on fate and not on schedule. We were shocked when conception occurred on the first go, but completely overjoyed and fulfilled. Throughout the pregnancy our only concern was making sure we had enough time for eachother after the arrival of our daughter. Unfortunately, our nightmares are becoming reality. My days are completely consumed caring for our daughter that by night I am too tired to be affectionate and intimate. I feel exhausted and dirty all day from caring for the baby. My partner still finds me unbelievably attractive, but I don't feel the same about my body. Furthermore, I can't seem to find time or the desire to have sex. 
We had an amazing sex life until I delivered our daughter and now my libido has vanished. Also prior to my daughter I felt sexually liberated (finally) and no longer felt shameful for desiring sex, however, I find my old ways are creeping back on me and my mind tells me it is not "proper" as a mom to desire sex (which is how my mom was raised and how she raised me), it is dirty, and something I should not expose my child to. Even during my pregnancy I felt like I wanted to be sexually open as a mom so my child would have healthy perspectives on sex. Now I feel like a nun! I am scared I will lose my partner due to my lack of intimacy (as he has made mention of it a couple times), I am scared I will show my daughter a repressed, unhealthy attitude towards sex, and I am scared my libido will not come back. I miss my sexual openness prior to being a mom. How do I transition from being the sexy, liberated woman I was 7 months ago to the caring mom that I am now? I want a healthy family and this topic is essential in the health of myself, my partner, and my daughter. Please help!

All the best,
Concerned Momma



                                  
Dear Concerned Mama,

Oh, my heart just opened up a little bit more today when I read your message.
Thank you for sharing where you're at and where you've been.

I've been talking about this very subject with my mother actually and also
with quite a few new mommies who have, and I quote, "non-existent libidos".  

I'm sure you've heard that as long as breast milk is on the menu for baby, hot sex is not the special
of the day.  But knowing "what's normal" doesn't change the fact that you're feeling icky and insecure.
I hear you, and hormones aside, there are other pieces of the puzzle that need to be examined.


So much energy is stored in our body and what we give birth to is sometimes
an old story from generations past.  Questions are rising, naturally as you just
opened up such a massive part of your physical, emotional, spiritual body by becoming a mother.
I so hear you and want you to know that the fact you are even exploring these ideas, feelings, etc. makes you an amazing mother who has such a great capacity to heal old wounds and have compassion for current ones.

I think we've swallowed, even with the most diligent awareness to not do so,
a lot of societal beliefs about what it is to be a woman, what it is to be a mother.
The fact that the word "dirty" comes up in EVERY conversation I have with women about sex, says A LOT.  I'm thrilled to say that I'll be leading a special call soon where I'll gently pulling up (and off) the "dirty shame bad" girl veil that we all have donned because I believe it's sooooo healing to bring it up, dust it off and go "really, is that true?"

Another piece I'm hearing from you and would like to touch upon...


How to balance time for ourselves, our family, our lover?  I once asked my grandmother
if she considered herself sexual at 67 years old and she said something that stuck with me... "Sex is something you do to have children for a lot of women, and it wasn't until 20 years after my marriages had ended that I began to enjoy sex as something for me with no goal but pleasure."  Hearing her say this made me realize that I rarely just experienced pleasure for myself, even despite my regular masturbation sessions.  I was often just wanting to release, feel something, and feel grounded when it came to self-pleasure but I rarely took the time to just feel and be it.  Does that make sense? 

Now, what's true is your state right now as a new mother is one of giving/nurturing
and it is a different vibration of love then what you share with your man.  However, it appears that the idea of you time A.K.A "self-care"  isn't even on your check list.  Energy, time and hormones play a major role obviously but I think starting a little love time for you is in order, like yesterday.


May I suggest a little experiment?   


Create a date for just you. Mark it on the calendar this week.
Spare an hour for yourself to shower, adorn yourself in your favorite jewelry and most delicious clothing (that you typically avoid because you wouldn't want to get baby goo items on it), and just bring your hands to touch and adore your body.  Awakening your body to the most loving and sensual touch, over your breasts, your thighs, knowing that they are such a divine expression of creation (because you are a creator, a beautiful mother of love and power).  You are alive.

Feel into yourself as a being not a doing.
I'd even invite you to have a little masturbation session with just complete presence.
Do this first for YOU. 

Two to tango... bringing sexy time back to you and your man.

Maybe a little visual inspiration is in order, try watching something that excites you (a movie with a hot love scene or go XXX), viewing porn could definitely help get you back in touch with that raw energy of sexual yum.  Buy a video online and watch it with your man.
There are sooooo many options out there that could very well turn you on, check out Xandria (an online sex shop that prides itself on being discreet).
Sometimes we need a little inspiration to get the gears turning and there's nothing wrong with that.
It's like getting out a map when it's been a few years since we took that journey, you may end up somewhere really fun plus, you'll go there with your guy in tow.

I feel that being in conversation with your heart and inquiring about the beliefs, stories,
fears, guilt, worries- is the key to healing and moving into the depths of what's really creating
blocks.  So, thank you for creating the space to do this by just typing these words into a little box and clicking send.

My whole goal in doing what I do is so that these conversations happen in a safe, loving space and that by experiencing that, we create that for others, especially our daughters and sons.  Thank you for the opportunity to be that space for you and your daughter.  She's lucky to have you.

Big Care Bear Stare to you,
Ella



P.S. As you may know, I'm a big fan of homeopathic and natural
remedies, and I try tinctures all the time. And, I happen to be attending a seminar
tomorrow where I'll be learning about natural ways to support our bodies from
an M.D.  I plan on inquiring about hormone help for women of all ages and especially new mommies.   I just found these New Mama drops although I don't know anyone who has out and out recommended them nor used them.  If you try them, let me know what you think/experience.  And what I learn tomorrow, will definitely be up on the blog, so check back.  xoxo

Friday, May 21, 2010

For the first time ever...







So many amazing insights are afoot as are the heat waves, lemme tell ya!
I can't wait to share what I learn from this exploration with all of you...
15 days to go, what's the longest you've gone?

A lot of people masturbate almost like a habit, I know I do- it's like that great
cup of coffee or a cigarette. It's interesting to contain, sustain, refrain, and hold
down the fort. The body is a temple and I'm living in it in a whole new way.

Count down continues, stay tuned...

Love,

Ella

P.S. If you wanted to learn more on orgasms, click here to read the previous post
"Operation: Happy Lady"

Monday, May 17, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Question of the Week

Hey Ella,


I really enjoy reading your stuff and watching your videos.  You're a really powerful woman and I'm stoked that someone is keeping it real and talking about all this, we need it.  It's refreshing to have a female's perspective and you've really given me a lot of insight.
I get that you write for women more than men but I figured, what the hell, I need some advice.  We could use some help too... do you ever work with us guys?
I'm 27, been with my lady for a few years and I love her but I just feel like I've got some shit to do before I settle down.  I want to get married, I want to have kids, I love her but I'm just not ready.  So do I move to LA and treat myself to one last single rampage or stay in my small town and see if I can tame the dragon with time?


Thanks,


Greg


Dear Greg,

Twenty-seven year itch has got you all hot and bothered huh?
I hear ya.  I think it's an epidemic, late 20s and getting ants in our pants
about what we're doing, what it all means and we've got a million temptations
and choices if we live in the western world.

Here's a simple answer, my shortest yet:
Better to explore and find out as opposed to staying and always wondering.

If it's a mistake, then it's a mistake but our biggest mistakes are often our greatest lessons.
I say this from experience... Los Angeles' pollution is nothing in comparison to the hell of "yellow dust" in South Korea.  I walked away from the love of my life because it wasn't the right time and I flew to Seoul (and hated a lot of my experience) but I had to do it, I know myself all the better now (and know I never want to eat kimchi again).


And yet, I catch myself here and want to express that I don't know if we ever can be 100% sure about any thing.  Sounds like right now you just want to be more sure.  What does that look like?  What does that mean for you?  Feel where your answer comes from, some say your gut but ladies aren't food.  Well, to some, but I digress...

You know you want certain things like kids, marriage, a dog named Duke (maybe)- and that's great.  But I'd attach the word "later" to that sentence and get going.
Timing is everything.  The quicker you move towards knowing what's true for you right now, the better it will be for both you and your lady.  You may come back together after your romp but you may not, you have to be okay with that.  For the record, I spoke to seven people this week that ended up getting back together after having "time" apart and I've done it twice. There is hope.

People often stay together because they're afraid they can't do better, they're comfortable, they can't stand the idea of their woman/man being with somebody else.  NEWSFLASH, these are never good reasons to walk down the aisle.  You have to get really real with yourself and ask- is the world a better place, am I a better person in this union/partnership?  For you other readers out there, sit with these questions for longer than a day and chant this over and over a good fifty times before throwing your lover's stuff out on the lawn...

"You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it"- Albert Einstein.

You may always turn your head and check out the girl walking by with a great ass but wanting to hit that (and chase it down and go give the owner of that ass your number) 60% of the time is a good sign that you're not ready to be settled down.  I'm willing to bet money that you feel guilty that you do feel that way and that's why you're considering this big shift.  It's normal, we're animals underneath all this American Apparel (man, their marketing campaigns sure support that urge).

We nest when we have less of an inclination to act on our impulse desires and that's how we know we feel "more sure" than "not sure" about the one we're with.

60/40 split...
I love this percentage comparison, it's what makes me sane when I'm making major decisions. There will always be days that you can't stand your lover, "With or Without You" by U2 comes to mind- the thing to ask is- are the odds in your favor?  If more often than not you want to be with her, stick around.

Relationships are work, our partners are our greatest mirrors, our greatest teachers and we can evolve together bonding, building and creating the most profound and beautiful union.  I believe we grow a lot more when we focus on one person and build trust with them.  Constantly having one foot out the door is a disservice to yourself and your partner.  You're not going to get anywhere until you can really be present right where you are and be clear what you like/don't like about it. Nobody likes a waffler.
Regarding physical health it's safer to be with one person at a time and I think emotionally it's more intimate and nourishing, and at times, yes, a bit more challenging when you're male and under 30. If you are benefiting and she is benefiting by being together in terms of evolution and love, I say second guess your move to the big ol' city of Los Angeles.
However, if you've never gone out and sewn your oats, you may grow to resent her that you never got a threesome under your belt and that's unfair to her.
**Note** Although some guys fantasize about the threesome, that's just it - it's a fantasy and it may not ever be a reality (even if you seek it out).  The reality of the amazing woman who is standing by your side is a reality that is much more tangible (literally, you can go over there and touch her right now).

If you love them set them free right?  Love you, love her, and follow your intuition.  You may last two weeks and realize after sleeping with Josie, Jill and Jackie that your lady is really the one you want.
 If you're that lucky to get that lucky in the sack in two weeks, so may your lady- can you hang with that?
 And, are you cool that she may not want you back once you've dipped into other honey pots?
This is a gamble, and hearts can break- but they always mend.  I don't know if absence makes the heart fonder but this could save your relationship and make you really appreciate what you have. We often don't value what we've got until we've lost it.

I hate to sound like your mom but I was a sex ed teacher so for sanity's sake, use condoms when you're out sewing your seed.  We often forget after being with someone for a long time what drama can occur by not using protection.  Make life easier on yourself and be safe.

I want you to hear that I get you don't want to hurt your girlfriend.  I suggest you to talk to her about this now because if she's given you a couple of years already, it could get ugly.  I don't know how old your lady is but if she wants to have kids, her biological clock is ticking and she's not got the same time frame you have.  My Cousin Vinny anyone?



 If you don't know for sure (60/40) that you're ready to be with just her and only her, you've got some exploring to do.  Maybe when you're 35, you'll meet a 27 year old who's able to meet you right where you are.


Fingers crossed, your lady doesn't currently have a wedding dress picked out and on hold.


Let me know what you end up doing Sir Greg, and know that whatever you decide - it's apparent that you're a good guy and you're asking the right questions.  Only you can know what's right for you, just listen to your heart (not your heads, yes there's an intentional plural of head).

Good luck and good night,

Ella

P.S. By just having this conversation with your partner, you will save yourself years of trouble either way.  Give her and yourself the opportunity to really understand your wants, needs, desires and see if they match up.  You could end up falling more in love with each other or you could both become clear that although you love each other, the relationship isn't serving your highest good.  Either way, it's good stuff, in the long run.

P.P.S.  I'm here to support and listen to people, not just my ladies.  I've received some genuinely awesome questions and notes of appreciation from guys, and I'm honored to be a sister of support.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Think Before Popping Pills or Getting An Injection

As a young girl, I grew up in hospitals, literally. My mom happened to be a nurse, as did my father's mother, so you can imagine that it was often a hot topic in the household whether or not I would follow in my matriarchs' footsteps.
When my parents couldn't find a babysitter on the nights they were both working, I often slept in the ER during my mother's shift, in room 13 to be exact.  
And, around age four, I had a freak accident that left me with a lacerated eyeball.  At first glance, it appeared to be unsalvageable but the doctors put me under and performed a miracle, needless to say, after that experience I was a doctor fan and never questioned their guidance, EVER.
.
Point blank- I am a product of the western medicine world and like many, found myself bowing to science as opposed to kneeling in church pews.   I still believed in angels, but that's a whole other story.

So, when doctors told me that I should go on birth control to regulate my periods at thirteen, I started popping hormone-infused pills.  When my gynecologist told me to get the HPV vaccine when it first came out on the market, I signed up that day for my first injection series.
Every year, since I was 10 years old, I had UTIS (urinary tract/bladder infections) and took loads of antibiotics because that's what I was told to do.  I never thought about it, I knew that doctors knew best.

Today, I really stand on a different bank of the river in regards to medicine.  I've grown up a bit in the past few years and I've begun to question the authorities that I revered.  

Unfortunately, I only began to wake up after experiencing some of the most excruciating physical pain I've had in my life.  Funny, that we often start taking better care of ourselves after our body waves a big red flag that slaps us in the face.  It is my hope that the body doesn't have to send a mac truck of a message in order for us to take better care of it.

Let me give you a little background on the physical pain I was in that changed my life.
In 2008, I had been given countless prescriptions of antibiotics during my time teaching in Seoul, South Korea due to lung infections from the pollution.  My capacity to breathe was improving however I was having burning, cramping and severe inflammation in what felt like my bladder and uterus. I was terrified.  I had gone to my GP doc (general practitioner) and knowing I was a chronic bladder pain gal, he prescribed antibiotics when I got back into the US.  The pain didn't decrease much though and I wondered if maybe it was because the antibiotics weren't strong enough in comparison to what I'd been taking in South Korea.

I waited about two weeks and went out of state to visit my newly born goddaughter.  The night I arrived I was just pounding with pain and so I made an emergency appointment with the local town's clinic.  I had a full gynecological exam where they told me I had a pristine vaginal canal and cervix but that I may have had a STI due to some discharge.  (P.S. discharge is normal for all women, we lubricate naturally to clean out our vagina every day not to mention to help us enjoy sex).  Now, because the nurses at the clinic wanted to help me make the pain go away immediately they treated me with antibiotics orally and an injection (just in case I had gonorrhea and chlamydia).  They informed me that I wouldn't get my results back from my tests for another two weeks but better to not be in pain while waiting.
Within three days, I was doubled over in pain feeling like my insides were being dug out and couldn't stop peeing but had nothing to pee out.  By being in the sun for an hour driving (the antibiotics they gave were so strong that I was advised to not be in direct sunlight), I began to feel like my skin was on fire.  Mind you this was early March in Northern California and not Ecuador.  I was just a mess.
After all this, I received a phone call from the clinic saying that I had no STIs and no infections whatsoever, "sorry for the inconvenience."   I was misdiagnosed and full of antibiotics that were aggravating my already pain riddled body, awesome, thanks!

Finally, I went to my yoga teacher at the time who also happened to be a very educated and wise master healer. He told me to do a cleanse, a candida cleanse, to get rid of all the antibiotics because my system was just depleted of its own natural ability to heal. No sugar, no vinegar, no fruit, no mushrooms, no alcohol, no caffeine, no flour, no dairy, no wheat - and did I mention I was vegetarian? What was I going to eat?  Ahhhhh! But I was willing to do anything at this point and figured I could forego ice cream for three months although it wouldn't be easy. 

I bought a homeopathic remedy, started eating a natural antibiotic (garlic) and within two days, the pain subsided and within one week, I was pain-free for the first time in months.  In the past year, I've only had one incident of feeling a tad ouchy and I just cut back on sugar and took some natural supplements (within hours, my symptoms were gone).  If you're thinking you have a UTI, read my post about what to do, click here

During this year of healing, I realized how much diet and exercise contribute to our health.  What we put in our mouths to feed and empower our system does matter.  

I began to really look at natural approaches to healing and decided that maybe subscribing to the "pop a pill and fix it" mentality wasn't in my best interest.  In fact, I don't believe it's in anyone's best interest.

My perspective was shifting and this put me in a bit of a pickle as far as my education in sexual health and also in conversations with my beloved mom/nurse.  It seemed the education I had was fear based and not big on asking questions of doctors, clinics, and medications.  
I was extensively trained by a premier sexual health organization and never were we taught about natural health remedies.  For years, I was the ask-able person in an extended circle of people not to mention a teen health educator.  I advised many about methods of birth control but not the long term effects, I taught kids about infections and pregnancy, and I encouraged getting exams as often as possible.  I believed in what I taught and I told hundreds of students to get the new HPV vaccination because I really thought it was in their best interest.  I even went so far as to get the HPV vaccination myself because I was afraid of the alternative.  I knew of quite a few women under thirty that had died of cervical cancer and I had countless women in my life who had been treated and "saved."
And now, if I could go back in time I would have done more research on natural remedies and offered those choices to the students, friends, family and myself.  By operating from fear of "what could happen," I thought better to nip in the bud but I never looked at what I could do daily to make my life and body happier.  Luckily, I'm only twenty-seven and I've still got plenty of time to keep educating myself and others.

For the record, I'm not hating on doctors or western science- I think some amazing things have been accomplished in the past 100 years (I love you Dr. Gratiot, I can see because of you) but I think we've missed the point about healing ourselves and looking to more natural options.  A psychiatrist I once knew told me that the best way to treat depression was a little bit of exercise, sunshine, lots of water and healthy food- but rarely did his patients take that prescription seriously.  

The work I do as a coach, speaker and author with Go Ask Ella is all about holistic sexual health and really empowering women to make choices from a place of truth, education, passion and not fear.  A lot of stuff is just basic and were not told for whatever the reason.  I'm really honored to now be a more informed space of wisdom, I'm grateful for the experiences I've had because they allow me to relate to people and I totally get where they come from.  I do my best to be a bridge between western and traditional methods.  I don't stand on soapboxes but I ask questions and I implore others to do the same.  

My biggest regret is that I got vaccinated for HPV and my greatest relief is I didn't have complications from it.  So you can imagine I gulped pretty hard recently when I was asked to spread the word about getting vaccinated against HPV.   My friend who sent me the email  is walking in the Revlon Run/Walk for Women after having lost young female friends to cancer.  I get it that they want to fight against cancer but I think there's a lot of money made around cancer and the fear of it.  Telling people to eat organic doesn't make for big business.  
My vote is to drop the fight and start to love your body and pay attention to what you do to it.  The energy of war on anything feels counterintuitive.  And, isn't it interesting that a company like Revlon is sponsoring this event? The NY Times just published an article expressing chemicals are the largest contributing factors to cancer.  And what do you think are in the ingredients of Revlon makeup?  Helloo!!  Is anyone else seeing the vicious cycle here? We don't know what's in the things we wear on our skin, that we eat, and we certainly don't know what is in the vaccines nor do we know what the long term effects will be.  In fact, haven't we just gotten sicker as a society with all the medicine we're ingesting?  Aren't there more cases of cancer today than ever before?  Makes you think doesn't it?  I sure hope so.

Choice is freedom.  Research, talk to people, ask me and if I don't know I'll do my best to find more information and be real with you about it.  It's my hope that more people are making informed choices from a place of love and not fear.  By speaking about sexuality and health in a real way, I feel it reaches more people and pulls down the veil of shame, guilt and fear.

I leave you with this video that was sent my way today.  I didn't know the HPV vaccine was being mandated, that young girls were being injected by law and I had no idea that so many young women were already experiencing seriously awful side effects from Gardasil (which by the way has the best advertising campaign I've ever seen).  
Please watch and share:  


Loving you,

Ella


Monday, May 10, 2010

Have Compassion For The Penis AND The Man Attached To It

 Photo originally published and used by www.thesun.co.uk 

Question of the Week

Hi Ella,

Been reading your blog, would love to get answer for all to see...

Been dating this guy for 7 months casually (we have been living in separate cities). He seems to be very conservative and we tried having sex only once and he had anxiety and couldn't keep his erection. Now he says he is not ready for sex until we are in a more serious relationship, is his emotions getting the best of him or is his penis just shy?

Thanks,
Heather


Dear Heather,
I've dated a guy or two that had a problem with getting an erection.  It can be more than a turn off but a complete melt down for both parties so it's really crucial to have compassion and patience. A guy will begin to worry if he'll be able to get it up the next time, the next time, and the next time. With the pressure he puts on himself to perform, your expectations will just be the cherry on top of a very non-edible sundae.  It's a sensitive issue- you can't coddle them, you can't huff and puff pout and you don't want to act disinterested because you do desire them.  I think it comes down to creating a feeling of desire and establishing connection.

I know in the past I've taken it personally and wondered what I did wrong and that just made the guys feel so much worse.  Being compassionate, patient and unattached to whether or not the sex goes down is a little challenging sometimes but that's where you've got to go with it.  Your situation reminds me of this guy that I knew for years that liked me.  After a long time of not thinking "it" was ever going to happen, we ended up messing around randomly.  And you know what happened?  He couldn't get it up, there was too much of a build up for him and he felt really pressured to prove himself after having waited so long.  He was more emotionally attached to the outcome of how the sex was and understandably thought that if he earned an A+, we'd be an item.  That's a lot of pressure on a situation and leads to disappointment if both people aren't vying for the same outcome. Now, many years isn't seven months but I hope you catch my drift.
If you like this guy, communicate that and see where you are willing to meet each other.
Think of this first run like a stumble, it's not defining and EVERY guy has been there at least once.  Too much alcohol, too much stress, lack of attraction, lack of trust... any or all of these issues could be contributing factors.  I think the body has infinite wisdom, it often gives us a signal long before our intellect kicks in.  After talking with a few guy friends about erectile issues, a few said it means "there's no chemistry and it isn't gonna work" and then another friend warmed my heart when he shared, "whenever I start dating a girl, I can't get it up for like a month until I feel really comfortable with them and know it's the real deal."  A lot of us ladies don't realize that guys have their fair share of challenges, blocks, insecurities and that they don't just react from one of their two heads, but their hearts. 

I could share some insights on how to help a guy get and stay aroused but it doesn't sound like that's what you're after.  Sounds like you're on the fence about why his penis is acting the way it is but you're not considering what this relationship means for you and the man attached to the penis.  I don't mean to come off uber-harsh but it seems you have a healthy desire and possibly not the right partner. 
You say he is conservative, what does that mean?  His conservative may be his normal and your normal may be really out there to him.  You have to get clear on this.  I don't know all of the details here, I can scratch the surface but it seems like you're frustrated that you're not on the same page.  So is it a matter of compromising, starting back at square one, or heading on to the next chapter with someone more aligned with you?
It sounds like your guy is pretty clear that casual sex isn't his cup of tea and more intimacy is the order of action.  Being conservative can be code for scared or shy but it could also just mean that he knows where his limits are- at least it looks like his penis does.
And so the question for you is- are you interested in going deeper?  Are you in a place where you can really be loving, compassionate and available for more than a casual sexual convenience?  Is that something you're interested in?    I think we've all had stages where we want different things and sometimes we're just not well-matched for the one that's caught our eye.   Plus, living in separate cities can take its toll on a relationship, especially a budding one.  Seven months is a long time maybe in your mind but it sounds like he can't see the writing on the wall as to where this is all going and his penis is drawing a line in the sand.
I feel for you and your guy, and yet its not rocket science here- I think there's just a failure to communicate and once you do you'll know where to launch.
Now, if anybody wants a bit more info on how to help arouse your guy, comment below or email me and I'll give some tried and true tips.

To infinity and beyond,

Ella




Monday, May 3, 2010

Dangerous Liaisons... herpes and polyamory? Yes, no, maybe so?

Question of the Week

I met someone who is fantastic, and they told me they have herpes last night. We have not done anything together. I have never encountered this before, I am having a hard time. I am not freaking out, but giving it thought. I recently declared myself open/poly and am happier than I been in a while. So honest with myself now. So, what is your advice on how to handle this? I really like this guy, and it sucks.


Help! 


- Elizabeth

Howdy Elizabeth,

Where we can go with this is endless, which I'm sure your mind has imagined plenty already!

That joyful first kiss....

To a possible nightmare coming up from down below...

Been thinking about your question a lot because herpes and polyamory seem to be an interesting cocktail to consciously sip from. I think it's great that you're not freaking out and addressing a very real issue with an additionally open mind. 

It's good that this guy you like knows he has herpes and was awesome enough to communicate this to you, giving you a choice.  Suh-weet!  So many don't know or don't tell.  It's scary to face rejection and there's a lot of judgment out there around STIs that is unfair and so unkind, so props to him and to you!  He does sound fantastic. 

So let's address some of the facts on herpes first!
HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus) has two forms, one is called HSV I and is considered to be oral herpes and the other is HSV II which is genital herpes.  Both types can occur on the genitals or the mouth though.  "Genital herpes is caused most often by HSV-2. Up to 8 out of 10 American adults have oral herpes. And about 1 out of 4 American adults have genital herpes. Millions of people do not know they have herpes because they never had, or noticed, the herpes symptoms"(- Planned Parenthood).

Most people have a very clear warning from an itching or tingling sensation where an outbreak is about to go down and they refrain from rubbage.  Unfortunately, you can't always predict an outbreak and using a condom doesn't 100% help because condoms act as barriers between fluid exchange, not skin to skin contact.  Herpes can be spread to any part of the body that has an open sore (yup that cut on your arm) or to our wet & sensitive parts such as the mouth, eyes, vaginal lips, penis, anus.  It only takes a brief second of contact which is such a bummer. If he tends to have his outbreaks on say the tip of the penis then it would be easier but ouch!  he won't want to be getting down when he's all sored out and neither do you because herpes is most contagious when the sore is leaking or blistery.  A lot of people don't show symptoms for up to year or sometimes never, so be aware of that.  God, I know it sounds like a freaking lose lose situation but really it's not. 

Okay, so what to do?  You appreciated his honesty and the presentation of choice, so I think you should pay that forward and share with your polyamorous crew that you are partnering up with someone who has herpes.  A lot of people have the virus and it's totally manageable, I have plenty of friends who've been in your boat and were with a partner for up to ten years and never got infected.  It's a roll of the dice some say but I think if you're aware, communicating, cautious and considerate it bounces super odds in your favor.

Just continue to be in conversation, ask the guy how often he gets outbreaks and if he's got a good handle on knowing when they're coming.  That's the best you can do. 

And as far as polyamory (for those of you who don't know that's multiple lover/open relationships), I think having one relationship can be challenging enough and juggling multiple balls (sorry, for the second pun) can be tricky especially when it comes to sexual histories of the partners.


 (Photo courtesy of the film Perfume, Dreamworks LLC and Constantin Film Produktion)

However, I like to read three books at a time and people think that's wild and confusing, ha!  We're here to experience and explore and as long as we are honest and communicative about that, the drama has less potential to flair but flair it will- we're human, we're animals.  We all have very different definitions of relationship and our emotional attachment kicks in all sorts of fun ways even with the very best of preparation.  We can really only have power over our reactions and do our best to come from a space of love instead of fear.   

Best of luck to you Elizabeth!  I hope this helps.

And for more info on herpes symptoms, testing and treatment, click here.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

You Asked, You Wanted to Know...

Quite a few folks such as yourselves wrote me that they were uber grateful for my help and wanted to give back by sending some financial love my way.  One girl in particular said, "I'm not really interested in being a coaching client right now but I really want to pay you for your advice, it's priceless."
Wow, thank you. 
Or another one, a personal favorite- "So, Ella, I tip my bartender twenties every week for listening to me rant and to pour me drinks... The advice on UTIs and dipping and dabbing you've given is like, a thousand times more valuable than all the dirty martinis I sucked down this year.  How can I tip YOU for all your awesome tips?"
Okay, okay I get it.  THANK YOU, I'm super honored yet again.  In addition to just going all mushy inside, I thought how silly of me that I didn't think to make it possible for you all to give back to me (awww the art of receiving that often escapes even  the best of us).  It's true, I spend hours researching and thoughtfully preparing responses for you (thank you to all 20 one of you who have written me this week alone)! 


I so appreciate your appreciation and if you want to make a contribution to Go Ask Ella please do so!
Consider yourself high-fived! 





huge thank you for the already received donations from Canada, NYC (woo hooo Brooklyn), Austin TX (thanks for staying weird and sassy), Los Angeles, gay Paris, Boston, San Francisco and South Korea.

A special shout out to Peter M, Niki D, Beth B, Dawn B, my Ambers, Elizabeth, Amy, Kim, Jacqueline, David, Dina, Mama Kia, Ashley, Monique, Christopher, Pam, Dr. Deb, Rosario, Deb S., Yogi, Russell, Liza, David James, Vidya, Sierra, Lauren, David T, Gina, Melanie, James, Riley, Hillary, Max, Christine, Mary, Uti, Marcy, DeFracia, Deb B., Mei Wei, Claire, Jeannie, Brion, Fabiano, James, Maria, Scott, Leah, and Heather!  Thank you for being such amazing, inspiring, supporting angels!!!!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Befriending Anal Sex...

Question of the Week...

Dear Ella,


My boyfriend really wants to have anal sex and I don't know how
and I'm nervous and scared.  Isn't that dirty?
What should I do?


Love,
Emily


Dearest Emily,

Trying something new is always a little intimidating because we don't know what it will be like, feel like, and when it comes to the butt- well, it's an even more mysterious erotic zone.
This topic is a hot one and instead of writing a book about it (hmmm excellent idea, I'll start that sometime in 2011) I decided to answer your question with a video response from yours truly.
I want you to know that being nervous or scared is common and it's really important to check in with yourself about why you want/don't want to do something.
Anal sex is a really intimate, beautiful experience if you approach it with care and communication.  Being open to doing something with your partner that they want is great and a huge reason why you choose to be in partnership- to explore ourselves with another person and learn our likes and dislikes.  I just ask that you make sure you're enjoying the process and you're not just doing something to please your partner- anal sex can really be super enjoyable on both ends. ;-)  You've just got to relax and open up.



Also, in case you're wondering and you didn't already read Operation: Happy Lady... the easiest way to get warmed up for anal sex is doggy style (on your hands and knees).  What's recommended is starting out with regular penis to vagina sex while you rub just above your vagina with your fingers.  Clitoral and vaginal stimulation warm up the body and get the juices flowing.  While your partner's penis is penetrating you vaginally, have him begin to apply pressure with his thumb/fingers on the opening to your rectum and apply some lubricant to the area.  This is a great way to rev the engine for an anal voyage.  Like a car that's been sitting still on a winter's night, you gotta give it a little love and warm it up before you roll out onto the highway at 70 MPH.  Take it nice and slow.


And, just to make sure I'm extra clear- it's fine to go from touching/playing with the vagina and then move to the rectum, just not the other way around.  That goes for fingers, penis, mouth.  Keep 'em separate to avoid bringing unwanted bacteria to the vagina/urethra.  Oh and for those with penises ;-)  be sure to wash with warm water and a very gentle soap after putting yourself up up and away in the anal canal.  Fresh and so clean, clean- does a body good!

***afterthought on aftermath anal sex ;-)
This morning I received a question about what's to be expected if a male partner ejaculates inside the anus...  Great question!  The anal canal's job is push out what remains so most people experience the sensation of needing a little potty time, excellent do do do do (I love Wayne's World, sorry)!
In plain English, expect that what goes in will want to come back out, sometimes immediately after the penis exits.  Don't push yourself to have a bowel movement, be really gentle and wash a little bit with warm water after.  It may feel like gas and in most cases it will be a shart of sorts (a wet fart).  We've got bodies, they do what they do, be grateful and don't be embarrassed, a lot of air and what not was just pushed inside so it's totally normal!! 
Try to avoid using soap since you'll be super sensitive and engorged.  And remember, wipe front to back!  Shower anyone?  And take your time going anywhere, I'd give it an hour or so.  Best of luck!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

How To Put On A Male Condom...

It occurred to me recently that a lot of people, of all ages, don't know how to properly use a condom.  When teaching sex ed in 9th grade health classes, this was always the talk that got the most attention from students.  I think it's so crucial to approach sex with truth, humor and open-mindedness.
Now, there are so many varieties of birth control out there, it's up to you to choose what's right for your body, lifetstyle, etc.  however, the male condom seems to be a very happy and readily available option for folks playing with penises.  Being informed is always a good idea, so check out my video below:
 


Oh and one thing I didn't mention in the video is always put the male condom on the penis when it's erect not when it's soft.  Once a girl asked me what to do if the guy is too excited already and cums when the condom is being put on.  Well, not too worry, it's quite common -some guys just don't know their body well enough to control their release and by the time the condom arrives he's on the edge.  Solution, wait about ten - twenty minutes and encourage him and bust out a new condom.  Ouila! 
If you have questions, comments please feel free to leave them below or for a quicker response email me directly at goaskella@gmail.com!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Help Too Much Sex! And I Don't Wanna Get Antibiotics!

Question of the Week...

Dearest Ella - 
I've had too much sex!  Help! I can feel a UTI [Urinary Tract/Bladder Infection] coming on I am so not looking forward to going to the doctor and getting antibiotics for this - . damn all the good sex I've been having lately.
I feel tender and it burns a little when I pee already.  I want to be conscious of the chemicals I put into my body so I was wondering if you knew of any home remedies or chemical free treatments? Its not bad, yet... I just know it's going to happen! Help me!!!


~Beth B. in Boston


Dear Beth B.,

Ahh honeymoon cystitis is upon you!  It's so easy for us ladies to get agitated after some serious bumping and grinding... our equipment is so sensitive and unfortunately, the urethra (the tube where we pee) opens out just beneath our clitoris and it is too short of a tube in my opinion.  It doesn't take too long of a walk for bacteria to make its way up and over to the bladder.  Boo!

Well, for you and for the rest of you reading this, I want to reiterate that I am not a licensed gynecological doctor, however I've taught enough sex ed and spent enough time exploring remedies for UTIs (Urinary Tract Infections aka bladder/tubing of bladder ouchiness) to know A LOT about it.  Rest assured, I've got you covered... I've gotten this question for YEARS & I've done at least 20 years of research on this particular arena as I got my first UTI when I was 10 years old (no, I wasn't getting busy with partners yet- just had a bit too much fun with jacuzzi jets LOL).  Now, if that's not raw and real, I don't know what is!  But I digress...

My nursing friends would squawk if I didn't say this, so I'm going to ... UTI symptoms can also be symptoms for sexually transmitted infections like gonorrhea so be conscious of that.  I don't know if this is a new partner or if you've had many but it's always a good idea to be aware of.  Gonorrhea tends to have a bit more of a gooey and gorey discharge situation FYI but it can totally be taken care of with antibiotics should that be your situation.
I don't think people realize we're full of bacteria, and it's normal healthy bacteria.  So, ladies, when you get a new partner, their healthy bacteria could raise the eyebrows of your immune system (it's not recognized as yours so it attacks).  It's common to get a little inflamed, don't worry.   Plus, friction is friction- all that hair, skin and heat- ay yay yay!

So what to do if you're ouchie and don't want antibiotics???

I so appreciate your desire to check out other options aside from antibiotics, those babies do a real number on your system.  Our bodies are a lot smarter than we realize and there are herbs and more traditional alternative methods that have been helping us out long before the FDA pharmaceuticals were.  FYI The last time I received antibiotics for a UTI it ended up making it worse (and since then I've used the following which clears up my symptoms within a week or so)...
  • An amazing urinary tract super helper and healer is Uristatin by a company called Thorne.  Take 2x in the AM and 2x in the PM  Click here to order online
  • Oil of Oregano (liquid form in vegetarian capsules), same amount as the Uristatin. It's a natural antibiotic!  Click here to order online
  • Pure natural Cranberry juice (not Oceanwave, you want 100% juice, not flavored sugar water) and lots of water, pee pee pee out what's bothering ya!
  • Cut back on sugar intake (breads, yeasts, vinegars, acidic fruits, white rice, etc.). Your system is on overload already so it helps to pull back on the sweets and acids especially if you want to avoid the oh-not-so-fun yeast infection that is often just a stone's throw away
  • Practice  some good ol' yoga or some kind of physical activity that will cause sweating of toxins from heat building movement

Try that and in two days, you should feel better.  Oh, and if you've not stopped - don't have sex for a few days or gasp, a week (you can do it, I believe in you!).  If your irritation and pain is not decreasing by the end of the week, listen to your body and see a doc but I'd go with an acupuncturist or a Candida cleanse before I'd go to an M.D. Personally, I used Aqua Flora, it transformed my health and  I highly recommend it if you're a chronic UTI/yeast getter.  Click here for more about Aqua Flora

Lastly, I'd like to offer a little bonus love for my ladies, if your mama nor your doc told you, listen up!!!!

Here are five super simple hygiene and happiness tips to help you now and later from the ouch of a UTI (and following them just makes your sex life and your body super stoked):

  1. Drink lots of water, depending on your weight it varies but try for two big bottles a day(about 68 oz). Be green, don't buy water that comes in a plastic bottle.   Mountain Valley Spring water is my favorite!
  2. Wipe front to back when you use the loo.  (Ahem, if you're messing around with the booty, please don't double dip because the front of you doesn't like it.  Wash the penis/finger/toy before moving from front to back or designate one hand for each side).
  3. ALWAYS pee before but especially after sex to clear out anything that might have pushed up into the urethra.
  4. Strengthen your super femme muscles, kegel it up! No, not a bagel- a kegel.  Squeeze when you pee to stop the stream, that's the muscle you use- and do kegel crunches (squeeze and release) like 25-100 a day to do the body good.  You'll love me for this, and so will your partner!
  5. And lastly, squeeze that kegel power when you orgasm so you don't torch your organs with all that heat and energy- bring it back up into your whole body.  Yee haw! 

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Operation: Happy Lady

Question of the Week...

Ella,

I love my girlfriend and I want her to really enjoy sex.
She's kinda self-conscious and can only cum when she's on
top of me (missionary style). I want her to be more involved and I want to please
her and find out more about what she likes. She's in
her head a lot and is afraid to let go. Can she orgasm another way?
Help me help her!

Happy to Help in Hollywood


Dear Happy to Help,

Yay, you're awesome first of all for being the eager beaver that you are. What a juicy question, I could write a book on this alone but I'll try and get ya a good summation so you can put it into action.

Wanting to get a girl off is an applaudable desire and even more so when you're wanting to be a space for her to get to know herself better. Letting go with anyone requires a bit of a safety net, so props for being that net.

Okay, so here goes...

Like every flower, every woman is unique- how they bloom, when they bloom, et cetera.

But I've found in my research (studies, books, courses, conversations and experience) that a lot of stimulation gets you out of your head and into your body.  This is "tried and true" for most ladies in my opinion.
What do I mean?

Allow me to indulge you...

Clitoral stimulation is the most common way women get their rocks off, the little nub just above the uretha (where we pee) which is at the very top of the lips of the vulva. The vulva is the what you see, the vagina is actually the internal canal FYI but names are names, let's get to the nitty gritty here and look below...

Here's a pictoral guide so we're clear on parts/names/locations:


Women enjoy being on top so much because when in motion, they're rubbing upon the clitoris and the orgasm they achieve is typically just clitoral (aka your outer skin and the base of your penis had more to do with her getting off as opposed to where you were inside).

I'd recommend engaging your girlfriend by asking her to touch herself and let you watch while you're on top of her.  This is sweet and a nice way to start since you can both see each other and kiss.  Now, some women will feel a bit self-conscious with this (and you mentioned she already is) so I'd suggest asking her to touch herself while you penetrate her so it's a double duty scenario.
Very lovingly say to her- "I want to see you pleasure yourself while I'm inside you." She'll feel not so alone, be sure to keep engaging with her with your hands and your kisses, I'm sure she'll relax and ease into it as you caress along with her.

Then...
I'd go for broke and really start the stimulation destination a-go!
Get her to turn around onto her hands and knees (aka doggy style) and while penetrating her vaginally ask her to continue touching herself while you apply some pressure with your thumb to the outside of her ass and along the perineum (the stretch between her vaginal opening and her anal opening).  Loverubbing with coconut oil also a plus however, not if you're using latex condoms, oil breaks down the material and therefore not safe.   If you find that she's all about the anal and perineum stimulation and wants to be penetrated- start with tips of your fingers.  Please cut and file your fingernails first!  And if you're using condoms, go get a water-based lubricant which you can find here in LA at the Pleasure Chest, Hustler, and even at most drugstores (yes, Ralph's does carry some).  I'll discuss more anal play at a later day but this info is just to get you started, woo hoo!  Practice and patience makes perfect. 
 
Vaginal, clitoral and anal stimulation create a world of pleasure.  They are the holy trinity in bed as far as I'm concerned.  And in the case of doggy style, she's facing the other way so she'll probably feel more free to really let go and get in touch with her animal. We're all animals right? Sometimes we forget that or try to hide that. Embracing the foundation of what we are is what allows us to step up and further ourselves in our development in EVERY way.

The base of us as humans, the tail bone leading up to our naval (belly button) is rich with energy. Not sure if you've heard of chakras, (a system of understanding seven centers of the body that originated in India more than 4,000 years ago) but where you'll be playing today should you act upon my suggestion is in the root chakra and the sacral chakra. The root is the base, where the perineum and tail bone live. Building a healthy foundation with our first chakra, is crucial for feeling grounded, safe and nourished. If it's the stem of our physical and spiritual self, I think it bears witnessing and lots of love. Consider it the first step on the ladder (you can't get to the top unless you start at the bottom and connect each foot securely). The second chakra is where you dive into the water from the strong earth of the first chakra. Slippery when wet and more fun than a slip n' slide. The second chakra is represented by water, emotions, sexuality, creativity, and children (not just reproduction and organs but the energy of child-like playfulness).



I like to think of the root as the chalice (cup) and the sacral as the liquid that collects, pours and flows out of it. C'est delish no?  Be an amazing lover by holding it down and letting her flow, literally and figuratively.

"Desire is a spiritual/emotional impulse that inspires movement and change. Desire is the need of the senses to find satisfaction through expansion... if we do not desire anything, the senses shut down. We lose our aliveness."- Anodea Judith, Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System, 116

So be alive today, find your desires, express them, explore them and be grateful you have someone to do this with in a warm, safe, soon-to-be-yummier relationship.

Best of luck!!!!

Happy to help, indeed!

Big high five comin' atcha,

Ella

Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul ~ Thomas Moore

Monday, March 29, 2010

Dip and Dab... the SENSE-sational secret tip that will heat up your night

Image originally published on http://www.cultbeauty.co.uk, thank you!

Like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire, my love is blind, can't you see my desire... that's the way, that's the way, that's the way love goes- or is it just sexy time?


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Go Ask Ella Speaks!!!

What a joyous and magical journey this year has been... I spoke for my first time about the work I'm doing yesterday at the Reveal Your RAYdiance Experience in Los Angeles yesterday. It was an amazing day filled with compassion, sweet sisterhood connections, vulnerability, beauty, and just good juiciness!

Asking women to turn to one other and share who they learned about sex from was a giant, earth-shattering eye-opener for everyone present. So many of us never consider how words, beliefs, experiences from our youth effect us on such a core level and it was really fun to ask these ladies to reveal themselves. One woman in her 50s shared with me that it never occurred to her how much her first introduction to sex played a role in how she felt about her body and her sex life. Yesterday, she realized her mother spoke about sex and the body as dirty, telling her to turn around when she was undressing and told her not to look. Even with logic applied and thirty years having passed, this woman shared that when she got pregnant for the first time she was afraid to tell anyone because then they'd have known she was being dirty. Can you imagine? In some ways she was sad that she spent so many years locked up in this deeply rooted concept of the sexual being dirty and after our conversation, she felt empowered to start opening up with her granddaughter about her experience. How awesome that she can take her wisdom and transform her relationship with sex as well as the next generation's...

It's so crucial for women to share truth and uncover the stories we swallowed, there are so many loaded beliefs operating in us and without a little digging, we remain blind to what keeps us from feeling good, beautiful, and sexy.

It felt so yummy to stand up and be real with these women and empower them to be real with themselves.

Lauren, a sweet heart of sass, was so thrilled by the experience of working with me for just 15 minutes that she offered to share this little juicy video with you...




I'll have an edited version of my whole presentation soon, maybe next week... so stay tuned! You won't wanna miss the "dab and dip" super juicy secret tip I gave, that is sure to change the way you feel when you head out for a night on the town!