Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

Scratch Ella's Back So She Can Scratch Yours

This site runs on your donations, please support Miss Ella by making a little click and sending a dollar or twenty her way so she can keep researching and responding to all of your questions. Thank you!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Operation: Happy Lady

Question of the Week...

Ella,

I love my girlfriend and I want her to really enjoy sex.
She's kinda self-conscious and can only cum when she's on
top of me (missionary style). I want her to be more involved and I want to please
her and find out more about what she likes. She's in
her head a lot and is afraid to let go. Can she orgasm another way?
Help me help her!

Happy to Help in Hollywood


Dear Happy to Help,

Yay, you're awesome first of all for being the eager beaver that you are. What a juicy question, I could write a book on this alone but I'll try and get ya a good summation so you can put it into action.

Wanting to get a girl off is an applaudable desire and even more so when you're wanting to be a space for her to get to know herself better. Letting go with anyone requires a bit of a safety net, so props for being that net.

Okay, so here goes...

Like every flower, every woman is unique- how they bloom, when they bloom, et cetera.

But I've found in my research (studies, books, courses, conversations and experience) that a lot of stimulation gets you out of your head and into your body.  This is "tried and true" for most ladies in my opinion.
What do I mean?

Allow me to indulge you...

Clitoral stimulation is the most common way women get their rocks off, the little nub just above the uretha (where we pee) which is at the very top of the lips of the vulva. The vulva is the what you see, the vagina is actually the internal canal FYI but names are names, let's get to the nitty gritty here and look below...

Here's a pictoral guide so we're clear on parts/names/locations:


Women enjoy being on top so much because when in motion, they're rubbing upon the clitoris and the orgasm they achieve is typically just clitoral (aka your outer skin and the base of your penis had more to do with her getting off as opposed to where you were inside).

I'd recommend engaging your girlfriend by asking her to touch herself and let you watch while you're on top of her.  This is sweet and a nice way to start since you can both see each other and kiss.  Now, some women will feel a bit self-conscious with this (and you mentioned she already is) so I'd suggest asking her to touch herself while you penetrate her so it's a double duty scenario.
Very lovingly say to her- "I want to see you pleasure yourself while I'm inside you." She'll feel not so alone, be sure to keep engaging with her with your hands and your kisses, I'm sure she'll relax and ease into it as you caress along with her.

Then...
I'd go for broke and really start the stimulation destination a-go!
Get her to turn around onto her hands and knees (aka doggy style) and while penetrating her vaginally ask her to continue touching herself while you apply some pressure with your thumb to the outside of her ass and along the perineum (the stretch between her vaginal opening and her anal opening).  Loverubbing with coconut oil also a plus however, not if you're using latex condoms, oil breaks down the material and therefore not safe.   If you find that she's all about the anal and perineum stimulation and wants to be penetrated- start with tips of your fingers.  Please cut and file your fingernails first!  And if you're using condoms, go get a water-based lubricant which you can find here in LA at the Pleasure Chest, Hustler, and even at most drugstores (yes, Ralph's does carry some).  I'll discuss more anal play at a later day but this info is just to get you started, woo hoo!  Practice and patience makes perfect. 
 
Vaginal, clitoral and anal stimulation create a world of pleasure.  They are the holy trinity in bed as far as I'm concerned.  And in the case of doggy style, she's facing the other way so she'll probably feel more free to really let go and get in touch with her animal. We're all animals right? Sometimes we forget that or try to hide that. Embracing the foundation of what we are is what allows us to step up and further ourselves in our development in EVERY way.

The base of us as humans, the tail bone leading up to our naval (belly button) is rich with energy. Not sure if you've heard of chakras, (a system of understanding seven centers of the body that originated in India more than 4,000 years ago) but where you'll be playing today should you act upon my suggestion is in the root chakra and the sacral chakra. The root is the base, where the perineum and tail bone live. Building a healthy foundation with our first chakra, is crucial for feeling grounded, safe and nourished. If it's the stem of our physical and spiritual self, I think it bears witnessing and lots of love. Consider it the first step on the ladder (you can't get to the top unless you start at the bottom and connect each foot securely). The second chakra is where you dive into the water from the strong earth of the first chakra. Slippery when wet and more fun than a slip n' slide. The second chakra is represented by water, emotions, sexuality, creativity, and children (not just reproduction and organs but the energy of child-like playfulness).



I like to think of the root as the chalice (cup) and the sacral as the liquid that collects, pours and flows out of it. C'est delish no?  Be an amazing lover by holding it down and letting her flow, literally and figuratively.

"Desire is a spiritual/emotional impulse that inspires movement and change. Desire is the need of the senses to find satisfaction through expansion... if we do not desire anything, the senses shut down. We lose our aliveness."- Anodea Judith, Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System, 116

So be alive today, find your desires, express them, explore them and be grateful you have someone to do this with in a warm, safe, soon-to-be-yummier relationship.

Best of luck!!!!

Happy to help, indeed!

Big high five comin' atcha,

Ella

Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul ~ Thomas Moore

Monday, March 29, 2010

Dip and Dab... the SENSE-sational secret tip that will heat up your night

Image originally published on http://www.cultbeauty.co.uk, thank you!

Like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire, my love is blind, can't you see my desire... that's the way, that's the way, that's the way love goes- or is it just sexy time?


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Go Ask Ella Speaks!!!

What a joyous and magical journey this year has been... I spoke for my first time about the work I'm doing yesterday at the Reveal Your RAYdiance Experience in Los Angeles yesterday. It was an amazing day filled with compassion, sweet sisterhood connections, vulnerability, beauty, and just good juiciness!

Asking women to turn to one other and share who they learned about sex from was a giant, earth-shattering eye-opener for everyone present. So many of us never consider how words, beliefs, experiences from our youth effect us on such a core level and it was really fun to ask these ladies to reveal themselves. One woman in her 50s shared with me that it never occurred to her how much her first introduction to sex played a role in how she felt about her body and her sex life. Yesterday, she realized her mother spoke about sex and the body as dirty, telling her to turn around when she was undressing and told her not to look. Even with logic applied and thirty years having passed, this woman shared that when she got pregnant for the first time she was afraid to tell anyone because then they'd have known she was being dirty. Can you imagine? In some ways she was sad that she spent so many years locked up in this deeply rooted concept of the sexual being dirty and after our conversation, she felt empowered to start opening up with her granddaughter about her experience. How awesome that she can take her wisdom and transform her relationship with sex as well as the next generation's...

It's so crucial for women to share truth and uncover the stories we swallowed, there are so many loaded beliefs operating in us and without a little digging, we remain blind to what keeps us from feeling good, beautiful, and sexy.

It felt so yummy to stand up and be real with these women and empower them to be real with themselves.

Lauren, a sweet heart of sass, was so thrilled by the experience of working with me for just 15 minutes that she offered to share this little juicy video with you...




I'll have an edited version of my whole presentation soon, maybe next week... so stay tuned! You won't wanna miss the "dab and dip" super juicy secret tip I gave, that is sure to change the way you feel when you head out for a night on the town!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Reading Further May Result in Feeling Lighter and More Connected... beware! ;-)

"Before starting this amazing self exploration with Miss Lauser, I was often confronted by tidal waves of emotion and negativity. My days were plagued by feelings of inadequacy and I would often look to the future and wistfully think that someday things would be "better", someday I would be perfect and reach all my goals in some movie-esque song swelling moment. Since working with Ella, I have discovered the importance of being present in every moment and that each day is all we have and all we should worry about. I feel lighter and more conscious than I ever have before and all the energy of ME and my presence are connected. I've learned to stop berating and judging myself and in effect I have learned to stop judging others. It is all one collective experience and I am now able to take a breath, close my eyes, and buoy myself in the now. I can't say where this journey will take me but I am excited and filled with anticipation to find out."

I feel so honored to share this journey of expression, presence and exploration with the women I coach. It's so funny how just clearing a space for you to talk and ultimately, connect with your truth, is really the key to your expansion.
For me, it's only natural to talk about the stuff that raises eyebrows and that most people keep hush hush. If we stuff it, it just percolates and agitates. If you don't have someone to really ask and feel safe with, know that now you do.

What am I offering? 120 minutes a month of connecting with me about where you're stuck and held back from truly experiencing yourself in the present moment. I'll help you get out of your head and feel confident in bed. The minutes we connect on the phone, skype or in person will be broken up into 4 half hour sessions or two one hour sessions for a three month minimum. It is my intention to truly be available to you, so if you're not sure if you're worth it or if you can afford it, we'll work something that feels good for both of us. Don't hesitate to Go Ask Ella, email me at goaskella@gmail.com

Discussing sexuality is just the surface, it's amazing where we actually end up and what is unveiled. Today's post brought to you by...(Let's just call you Sadie in order to protect your anonymity, thank you Sadie) the letter S - for the words sex, self, Sadie, and safe.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dealing With Jealousy...


Question of the Week...
Hi Ella, I have a question for you, if you have time to answer it.

It seems like I inevitably get bored after a while in relationships. The sex isn't as crazy as it was in the beginning, and the conversation not as sparkling. I understand that this is natural, a normal part of relationships, and something everyone deals with. It seems to be the price to pay for something "deeper," yet that depth, or a sense of romantic attachment and belonging, doesn't really compensate for what is lost.

I'm with a guy right now, and we've opened up our relationship so we can still be together, have an emotional relationship, and have wild sex with new people. But I am crazy jealous. I can deal with it as long as I don't know anything about his other lovers, but if I see a scarf or necklace left behind I go insane, even if I'm playing around with other men. But being monogamous and exclusive doesn't work for us either. He seems to have the exact same problems that I do.

It's a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situation. What's a girl to do?

-Jealous Slut in Los Angeles



Dear Miss Jealous and all my other lovelies who wince due to attachment,

It's interesting that I find so many of us redefining what a relationship
means to us and, more importantly, what we want it to mean. I no longer
think I want to" walk down the aisle" and I certainly never thought I'd feel that way.
But we swallow a lot of what we think is "the right" way, when in actuality, there is no right/wrong.
It's just what we prefer and as long as it's not causing harm to ourselves or our loved ones, I'm pleased as punch to hear about such a variety of interactions between people. Ultimately, it's a bit dicey- since attachment and expectation are the only things that truly cause us pain. And we so get attached to our cars, jobs, bodies, health and lovers. And yet, they're not "ours". We can do our best to love, appreciate and enjoy what we have, by taking good care but they do all come to an end at one point.

I see three things going in your particular expression of having an open relationship:

1) Jealousy and non-communication of what's actually going on
often fuels the fire of drama... thus, leading to really amazing
(albeit ego) fulfilling sex. Make-up sex anyone? It's pretty
darned hot, however, it burns just as quick as it ignites, and pretty soon the ho-hum
is back. Maybe part of the attraction here is to fan the flame of
the ego by comparing yourself to these other women. I've often found myself in competition
with ghosts of girlfriends/lovers-past but the truth is, there's only one
you and the experience you give is different every day if you're being present.

I think there are always highs and lows in relationships but being addicted to the extremes and jumping in between is mistaken as love, when in fact it's the ego's way
of proving itself and having an ungettable goal to reach.

I totally get that you may not want to know the gory details of what
your boyfriend is up to with the ladies he brings home but making
each of you blind, deaf and dumb about it is bound to create a general
dis-ease and mistrust. Communication in this case could be about
exploration- understanding that you're seeking an experience, not another person, and reminding yourself of that. Also, keeping your head about why you explore yourself with other men is a great way for you to keep yourself in check. Every time the green eyed monster reveals itself, just go back to- "is this true?" "am I less _____ than any of these other women?" Nope, you're not. And he's obviously more interested in exploring himself with you consistently, which is something that isn't happening with the other people.
It's a conscious, daily choice to go with the thoughts and drama of your fears, or of what's true.

2) I think boundaries are a really important aspect of building trust
and love with anyone, but especially someone you share your body & home with regularly.
Being intrinsically "nesty" I think it's only natural for a woman to feel invaded by other women being in a bed you also sleep/sex in. Maybe it would be wise to keep each of your beds for each
other and leave the flings in their homes to be visited and not made on the home front. I think it would be really challenging to relax, feel safe and content, if I was always peripherally on the look-out for
last night's panties. So I'd recommend keeping it out of your actual physical living spaces.

3) The boredom, or lackluster... sometimes may just be a sign that the "romantic" relationship isn't fulfilling you outside of familiarity and friendship and it's time to move on. I've definitely stayed in relationships far past their due date, and I can't tell you how the act of closing one door does truly open a thousand windows (although in some cases it took me months or gasp, years to acknowledge this).

I can only share my view and take a little wisdom from those I've had the opportunity to talk to about this very same issue of jealousy with multiple partners. If I were in your shoes, here's what I would do:
I'd ask myself what I want and really be honest with myself if I feel I'm experiencing it and if I'm ready to. Some things sound awesome in theory but I know I wouldn't be even-keeled enough to accept my partner experiencing other people without me and certainly wouldn't feel safe to explore the depths of my "self" with that person.
Is this guy a safe bet? Is he something to keep you from feeling lonely?
So been there and during those times it was really hard to admit. I think going back to asking "what's true?"
"Am I enjoying this experience?"
"What would I prefer?"
"When he explores himself and I explore myself with other people, does it diminish my value or his value?"

The truth is that no one proves nor diminishes our worth, we're here on the planet to experience, plain and simple.

I think it takes a really solid, clean and clearly communicated boundary with yourself to be in a more colorful exploration such as this.



Playing with all the primary colors can get dull, I get it- it's fun to mix it up and get into the secondary purple, green and orange, however, sometimes it ends pretty messy and just looks like poopy brown.
But guess what? - that's okay, it's just an experience and it can be learned from so as you continue in your life exploring you can say to yourself, "hmmm not what I want, next or more or yes!"

Best of luck, hope this helps a bit.

Here's winking atcha,

Ella

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Who Did You Talk To About Sex?

A lot of the girls I grew up with during junior high came over to my house to ask questions about "being normal." My mom was a nurse and we openly talked about all kinds of things with my friends... concerns about puberty, family problems, periods, hygiene. It was really amazing now that I think of it.

Throughout the 4061 square miles of Los Angeless, where I taught sexual health education to loads of 9th grade classrooms, the questions were still the same and 99% of them were fear based.
It was so overwhelming to know I was a rare person in their midst - a trustworthy, non-judgmental, informed and ask-able adult that they could really talk to. Therapists don't get asked these kinds of questions and clinics get more of the aftermath appointments (not to mention they're crowded and understaffed). Who did you get your info from? Was it reliable? Who can people talk to now? Their girlfriends, older sisters, boyfriends? Some of the knowledge and ideas out there are so crazy- Mountain Dew as a birth control douche!

Please don't Do the Dew! (not kidding, this was a common rumor I had to dispel). Another funny but not funny question I often got was- "If I smoke a lot of pot, can I still get my girlfriend pregnant?" There's over 20 to 150 million sperm per milliliter of semen , and decreasing it even by half by smoking, still leaves a high probability- it only takes one! God, I wish I knew about this site then instead of just teen.org, check out this: http://www.scarleteen.com.

When I first started liking boys, which was around age 3, I was the biggest flirt at Happy Hearts Pre-School and got in trouble quite a bit because I was very curious about everything and asked a lot of questions. That only increased as hormones got involved and then when I had my first boyfriend at 16, I actually didn't want to go to my mom because it was just a bit too close to home (I loved and trusted my mom implicitly but I just felt weird asking her about guys and their parts). Enter my Grandie...

Grandie came to visit me right when I was just starting to date my boyfriend and kissing was the only thing on the menu thus far. As we sat in the back of my mom's car, without any solicitation, my Gran said (in her proper British accent), "You know now that you have a boyfriend you should know how to properly bob on the knob and keep him happy." I still chuckle remembering my mother's eyes popping out of her head as she looked at me in the rear view mirror as if silently yelling at me to not indulge my Grandie.

In all seriousness though it was in her "no big deal" approach that this huge weight lifted off of me and my fear of not knowing what to do was alleviated. I'm so grateful to her and so are many of my girlfriends, their boyfriends, and coaching clients that I've passed her insight down to.

She proceeded to tell me how to breathe, relax and apply pressure (for those of you who haven't seen Dangerous Beauty, a movie that came out in the late '90s about a Venetian Courtesan- see it Jacqueline Bisset, does an awesome mentoring visual for her daughter turned courtesan...Here's the trailer:

More than anything though, my gran's nonchalant, "this is how to do it" came at a time that I was really insecure about pleasing my guy. I learned as I got older that it's not about one person pleasing another so much as it is creating a mutual give/take and appreciation of the entirety of what goes on. Go team communication and exploration!

One of the most common questions I continue to get to this day is, "How do I please my partner?" And I think the most important thing is to get basic, practical knowledge and then just explore it with them. Confidence and openness are the secret ingredient to a healthy sexual relationship, with yourself AND your partner. If you're in your head the whole time wondering if you're doing a "good job" you're not being present and I can guarantee both people on either end know that and it's not as enjoyable.

Sexual expression is boring and a chore if you're just killing time to "get to the good part." There is no good part... the orgasm is just a bonus, the way people interact and come together is a really awesome exploratory dance of pleasure, fun, and release. It's different every time if you're present and that in and of itself is a PRESENT.

I invite you to really explore what you want and how to ask for it and then how to receive... with taking care of yourself and setting the groundwork, you can do the same for your partner. Do you know how to please yourself? Do you know what you like and how to ask for it? Are you present and aware and in the moment?

Feel free to post comments below or email questions/concerns to me and I'll pick one a week to expound upon!

With a dash of wit and a whole lot of warmth,

Ella

P.S. I'm now offering expression and intention coaching sessions via skype, phone and in person (if you're located in Los Angeles, San Francisco or Sedona)... I'd be honored to be a support system for you and help you get really present, aware and excited about who you are and what you have to give AND receive. Email me at: goaskella@gmail.com