Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dealing With Jealousy...

Question of the Week...
Hi Ella, I have a question for you, if you have time to answer it.

It seems like I inevitably get bored after a while in relationships. The sex isn't as crazy as it was in the beginning, and the conversation not as sparkling. I understand that this is natural, a normal part of relationships, and something everyone deals with. It seems to be the price to pay for something "deeper," yet that depth, or a sense of romantic attachment and belonging, doesn't really compensate for what is lost.

I'm with a guy right now, and we've opened up our relationship so we can still be together, have an emotional relationship, and have wild sex with new people. But I am crazy jealous. I can deal with it as long as I don't know anything about his other lovers, but if I see a scarf or necklace left behind I go insane, even if I'm playing around with other men. But being monogamous and exclusive doesn't work for us either. He seems to have the exact same problems that I do.

It's a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situation. What's a girl to do?

-Jealous Slut in Los Angeles

Dear Miss Jealous and all my other lovelies who wince due to attachment,

It's interesting that I find so many of us redefining what a relationship
means to us and, more importantly, what we want it to mean. I no longer
think I want to" walk down the aisle" and I certainly never thought I'd feel that way.
But we swallow a lot of what we think is "the right" way, when in actuality, there is no right/wrong.
It's just what we prefer and as long as it's not causing harm to ourselves or our loved ones, I'm pleased as punch to hear about such a variety of interactions between people. Ultimately, it's a bit dicey- since attachment and expectation are the only things that truly cause us pain. And we so get attached to our cars, jobs, bodies, health and lovers. And yet, they're not "ours". We can do our best to love, appreciate and enjoy what we have, by taking good care but they do all come to an end at one point.

I see three things going in your particular expression of having an open relationship:

1) Jealousy and non-communication of what's actually going on
often fuels the fire of drama... thus, leading to really amazing
(albeit ego) fulfilling sex. Make-up sex anyone? It's pretty
darned hot, however, it burns just as quick as it ignites, and pretty soon the ho-hum
is back. Maybe part of the attraction here is to fan the flame of
the ego by comparing yourself to these other women. I've often found myself in competition
with ghosts of girlfriends/lovers-past but the truth is, there's only one
you and the experience you give is different every day if you're being present.

I think there are always highs and lows in relationships but being addicted to the extremes and jumping in between is mistaken as love, when in fact it's the ego's way
of proving itself and having an ungettable goal to reach.

I totally get that you may not want to know the gory details of what
your boyfriend is up to with the ladies he brings home but making
each of you blind, deaf and dumb about it is bound to create a general
dis-ease and mistrust. Communication in this case could be about
exploration- understanding that you're seeking an experience, not another person, and reminding yourself of that. Also, keeping your head about why you explore yourself with other men is a great way for you to keep yourself in check. Every time the green eyed monster reveals itself, just go back to- "is this true?" "am I less _____ than any of these other women?" Nope, you're not. And he's obviously more interested in exploring himself with you consistently, which is something that isn't happening with the other people.
It's a conscious, daily choice to go with the thoughts and drama of your fears, or of what's true.

2) I think boundaries are a really important aspect of building trust
and love with anyone, but especially someone you share your body & home with regularly.
Being intrinsically "nesty" I think it's only natural for a woman to feel invaded by other women being in a bed you also sleep/sex in. Maybe it would be wise to keep each of your beds for each
other and leave the flings in their homes to be visited and not made on the home front. I think it would be really challenging to relax, feel safe and content, if I was always peripherally on the look-out for
last night's panties. So I'd recommend keeping it out of your actual physical living spaces.

3) The boredom, or lackluster... sometimes may just be a sign that the "romantic" relationship isn't fulfilling you outside of familiarity and friendship and it's time to move on. I've definitely stayed in relationships far past their due date, and I can't tell you how the act of closing one door does truly open a thousand windows (although in some cases it took me months or gasp, years to acknowledge this).

I can only share my view and take a little wisdom from those I've had the opportunity to talk to about this very same issue of jealousy with multiple partners. If I were in your shoes, here's what I would do:
I'd ask myself what I want and really be honest with myself if I feel I'm experiencing it and if I'm ready to. Some things sound awesome in theory but I know I wouldn't be even-keeled enough to accept my partner experiencing other people without me and certainly wouldn't feel safe to explore the depths of my "self" with that person.
Is this guy a safe bet? Is he something to keep you from feeling lonely?
So been there and during those times it was really hard to admit. I think going back to asking "what's true?"
"Am I enjoying this experience?"
"What would I prefer?"
"When he explores himself and I explore myself with other people, does it diminish my value or his value?"

The truth is that no one proves nor diminishes our worth, we're here on the planet to experience, plain and simple.

I think it takes a really solid, clean and clearly communicated boundary with yourself to be in a more colorful exploration such as this.

Playing with all the primary colors can get dull, I get it- it's fun to mix it up and get into the secondary purple, green and orange, however, sometimes it ends pretty messy and just looks like poopy brown.
But guess what? - that's okay, it's just an experience and it can be learned from so as you continue in your life exploring you can say to yourself, "hmmm not what I want, next or more or yes!"

Best of luck, hope this helps a bit.

Here's winking atcha,



  1. Such good advice. The paint analogy is great, and It's true that these types of things are more successful after time, commitment, solid boundaries, and intense trust are already established. Thanks for makin' me THINK, Ella!

  2. Very insightful! It was really helpful to see these ideas on the page, instead of just swirling around inside my head... Definitely think that communication is key, and keeping secrets from each other leads to communication breakdown. Loving the site, please keep it up!