Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Operation: Happy Lady

Question of the Week...

Ella,

I love my girlfriend and I want her to really enjoy sex.
She's kinda self-conscious and can only cum when she's on
top of me (missionary style). I want her to be more involved and I want to please
her and find out more about what she likes. She's in
her head a lot and is afraid to let go. Can she orgasm another way?
Help me help her!

Happy to Help in Hollywood


Dear Happy to Help,

Yay, you're awesome first of all for being the eager beaver that you are. What a juicy question, I could write a book on this alone but I'll try and get ya a good summation so you can put it into action.

Wanting to get a girl off is an applaudable desire and even more so when you're wanting to be a space for her to get to know herself better. Letting go with anyone requires a bit of a safety net, so props for being that net.

Okay, so here goes...

Like every flower, every woman is unique- how they bloom, when they bloom, et cetera.

But I've found in my research (studies, books, courses, conversations and experience) that a lot of stimulation gets you out of your head and into your body.  This is "tried and true" for most ladies in my opinion.
What do I mean?

Allow me to indulge you...

Clitoral stimulation is the most common way women get their rocks off, the little nub just above the uretha (where we pee) which is at the very top of the lips of the vulva. The vulva is the what you see, the vagina is actually the internal canal FYI but names are names, let's get to the nitty gritty here and look below...

Here's a pictoral guide so we're clear on parts/names/locations:


Women enjoy being on top so much because when in motion, they're rubbing upon the clitoris and the orgasm they achieve is typically just clitoral (aka your outer skin and the base of your penis had more to do with her getting off as opposed to where you were inside).

I'd recommend engaging your girlfriend by asking her to touch herself and let you watch while you're on top of her.  This is sweet and a nice way to start since you can both see each other and kiss.  Now, some women will feel a bit self-conscious with this (and you mentioned she already is) so I'd suggest asking her to touch herself while you penetrate her so it's a double duty scenario.
Very lovingly say to her- "I want to see you pleasure yourself while I'm inside you." She'll feel not so alone, be sure to keep engaging with her with your hands and your kisses, I'm sure she'll relax and ease into it as you caress along with her.

Then...
I'd go for broke and really start the stimulation destination a-go!
Get her to turn around onto her hands and knees (aka doggy style) and while penetrating her vaginally ask her to continue touching herself while you apply some pressure with your thumb to the outside of her ass and along the perineum (the stretch between her vaginal opening and her anal opening).  Loverubbing with coconut oil also a plus however, not if you're using latex condoms, oil breaks down the material and therefore not safe.   If you find that she's all about the anal and perineum stimulation and wants to be penetrated- start with tips of your fingers.  Please cut and file your fingernails first!  And if you're using condoms, go get a water-based lubricant which you can find here in LA at the Pleasure Chest, Hustler, and even at most drugstores (yes, Ralph's does carry some).  I'll discuss more anal play at a later day but this info is just to get you started, woo hoo!  Practice and patience makes perfect. 
 
Vaginal, clitoral and anal stimulation create a world of pleasure.  They are the holy trinity in bed as far as I'm concerned.  And in the case of doggy style, she's facing the other way so she'll probably feel more free to really let go and get in touch with her animal. We're all animals right? Sometimes we forget that or try to hide that. Embracing the foundation of what we are is what allows us to step up and further ourselves in our development in EVERY way.

The base of us as humans, the tail bone leading up to our naval (belly button) is rich with energy. Not sure if you've heard of chakras, (a system of understanding seven centers of the body that originated in India more than 4,000 years ago) but where you'll be playing today should you act upon my suggestion is in the root chakra and the sacral chakra. The root is the base, where the perineum and tail bone live. Building a healthy foundation with our first chakra, is crucial for feeling grounded, safe and nourished. If it's the stem of our physical and spiritual self, I think it bears witnessing and lots of love. Consider it the first step on the ladder (you can't get to the top unless you start at the bottom and connect each foot securely). The second chakra is where you dive into the water from the strong earth of the first chakra. Slippery when wet and more fun than a slip n' slide. The second chakra is represented by water, emotions, sexuality, creativity, and children (not just reproduction and organs but the energy of child-like playfulness).



I like to think of the root as the chalice (cup) and the sacral as the liquid that collects, pours and flows out of it. C'est delish no?  Be an amazing lover by holding it down and letting her flow, literally and figuratively.

"Desire is a spiritual/emotional impulse that inspires movement and change. Desire is the need of the senses to find satisfaction through expansion... if we do not desire anything, the senses shut down. We lose our aliveness."- Anodea Judith, Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System, 116

So be alive today, find your desires, express them, explore them and be grateful you have someone to do this with in a warm, safe, soon-to-be-yummier relationship.

Best of luck!!!!

Happy to help, indeed!

Big high five comin' atcha,

Ella

Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul ~ Thomas Moore

5 comments:

  1. Brilliant! Love the visuals! you are doing a service to the whole planet!!

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  2. This is great advice - can't wait to try it at home!

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  3. My pleasure, your pleasure, her pleasure, his pleasure... ;-)

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  4. Ella, I love how you explain the chakra connection with this. First time I ever hear anyone talk about it like this.
    I just came across you blog today and I will for sure come back.
    Much love to you, S.

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  5. Thanks S! I think the nuts and bolts approach is key, sometimes people get really far out there with energy and spiritual buzz words which turns a lot of folks off from information that is helpful and would otherwise really be a positive experience. I strive to be real, honest and pack serious heat in the world of analogies. Always feel free to ask me to go into more depth or cover different chakras, there are so many fun places to go with it!

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