Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Who Did You Talk To About Sex?

A lot of the girls I grew up with during junior high came over to my house to ask questions about "being normal." My mom was a nurse and we openly talked about all kinds of things with my friends... concerns about puberty, family problems, periods, hygiene. It was really amazing now that I think of it.

Throughout the 4061 square miles of Los Angeless, where I taught sexual health education to loads of 9th grade classrooms, the questions were still the same and 99% of them were fear based.
It was so overwhelming to know I was a rare person in their midst - a trustworthy, non-judgmental, informed and ask-able adult that they could really talk to. Therapists don't get asked these kinds of questions and clinics get more of the aftermath appointments (not to mention they're crowded and understaffed). Who did you get your info from? Was it reliable? Who can people talk to now? Their girlfriends, older sisters, boyfriends? Some of the knowledge and ideas out there are so crazy- Mountain Dew as a birth control douche!

Please don't Do the Dew! (not kidding, this was a common rumor I had to dispel). Another funny but not funny question I often got was- "If I smoke a lot of pot, can I still get my girlfriend pregnant?" There's over 20 to 150 million sperm per milliliter of semen , and decreasing it even by half by smoking, still leaves a high probability- it only takes one! God, I wish I knew about this site then instead of just teen.org, check out this: http://www.scarleteen.com.

When I first started liking boys, which was around age 3, I was the biggest flirt at Happy Hearts Pre-School and got in trouble quite a bit because I was very curious about everything and asked a lot of questions. That only increased as hormones got involved and then when I had my first boyfriend at 16, I actually didn't want to go to my mom because it was just a bit too close to home (I loved and trusted my mom implicitly but I just felt weird asking her about guys and their parts). Enter my Grandie...

Grandie came to visit me right when I was just starting to date my boyfriend and kissing was the only thing on the menu thus far. As we sat in the back of my mom's car, without any solicitation, my Gran said (in her proper British accent), "You know now that you have a boyfriend you should know how to properly bob on the knob and keep him happy." I still chuckle remembering my mother's eyes popping out of her head as she looked at me in the rear view mirror as if silently yelling at me to not indulge my Grandie.

In all seriousness though it was in her "no big deal" approach that this huge weight lifted off of me and my fear of not knowing what to do was alleviated. I'm so grateful to her and so are many of my girlfriends, their boyfriends, and coaching clients that I've passed her insight down to.

She proceeded to tell me how to breathe, relax and apply pressure (for those of you who haven't seen Dangerous Beauty, a movie that came out in the late '90s about a Venetian Courtesan- see it Jacqueline Bisset, does an awesome mentoring visual for her daughter turned courtesan...Here's the trailer:

More than anything though, my gran's nonchalant, "this is how to do it" came at a time that I was really insecure about pleasing my guy. I learned as I got older that it's not about one person pleasing another so much as it is creating a mutual give/take and appreciation of the entirety of what goes on. Go team communication and exploration!

One of the most common questions I continue to get to this day is, "How do I please my partner?" And I think the most important thing is to get basic, practical knowledge and then just explore it with them. Confidence and openness are the secret ingredient to a healthy sexual relationship, with yourself AND your partner. If you're in your head the whole time wondering if you're doing a "good job" you're not being present and I can guarantee both people on either end know that and it's not as enjoyable.

Sexual expression is boring and a chore if you're just killing time to "get to the good part." There is no good part... the orgasm is just a bonus, the way people interact and come together is a really awesome exploratory dance of pleasure, fun, and release. It's different every time if you're present and that in and of itself is a PRESENT.

I invite you to really explore what you want and how to ask for it and then how to receive... with taking care of yourself and setting the groundwork, you can do the same for your partner. Do you know how to please yourself? Do you know what you like and how to ask for it? Are you present and aware and in the moment?

Feel free to post comments below or email questions/concerns to me and I'll pick one a week to expound upon!

With a dash of wit and a whole lot of warmth,


P.S. I'm now offering expression and intention coaching sessions via skype, phone and in person (if you're located in Los Angeles, San Francisco or Sedona)... I'd be honored to be a support system for you and help you get really present, aware and excited about who you are and what you have to give AND receive. Email me at: goaskella@gmail.com

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