Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Befriending Anal Sex...

Question of the Week...

Dear Ella,

My boyfriend really wants to have anal sex and I don't know how
and I'm nervous and scared.  Isn't that dirty?
What should I do?


Dearest Emily,

Trying something new is always a little intimidating because we don't know what it will be like, feel like, and when it comes to the butt- well, it's an even more mysterious erotic zone.
This topic is a hot one and instead of writing a book about it (hmmm excellent idea, I'll start that sometime in 2011) I decided to answer your question with a video response from yours truly.
I want you to know that being nervous or scared is common and it's really important to check in with yourself about why you want/don't want to do something.
Anal sex is a really intimate, beautiful experience if you approach it with care and communication.  Being open to doing something with your partner that they want is great and a huge reason why you choose to be in partnership- to explore ourselves with another person and learn our likes and dislikes.  I just ask that you make sure you're enjoying the process and you're not just doing something to please your partner- anal sex can really be super enjoyable on both ends. ;-)  You've just got to relax and open up.

Also, in case you're wondering and you didn't already read Operation: Happy Lady... the easiest way to get warmed up for anal sex is doggy style (on your hands and knees).  What's recommended is starting out with regular penis to vagina sex while you rub just above your vagina with your fingers.  Clitoral and vaginal stimulation warm up the body and get the juices flowing.  While your partner's penis is penetrating you vaginally, have him begin to apply pressure with his thumb/fingers on the opening to your rectum and apply some lubricant to the area.  This is a great way to rev the engine for an anal voyage.  Like a car that's been sitting still on a winter's night, you gotta give it a little love and warm it up before you roll out onto the highway at 70 MPH.  Take it nice and slow.

And, just to make sure I'm extra clear- it's fine to go from touching/playing with the vagina and then move to the rectum, just not the other way around.  That goes for fingers, penis, mouth.  Keep 'em separate to avoid bringing unwanted bacteria to the vagina/urethra.  Oh and for those with penises ;-)  be sure to wash with warm water and a very gentle soap after putting yourself up up and away in the anal canal.  Fresh and so clean, clean- does a body good!

***afterthought on aftermath anal sex ;-)
This morning I received a question about what's to be expected if a male partner ejaculates inside the anus...  Great question!  The anal canal's job is push out what remains so most people experience the sensation of needing a little potty time, excellent do do do do (I love Wayne's World, sorry)!
In plain English, expect that what goes in will want to come back out, sometimes immediately after the penis exits.  Don't push yourself to have a bowel movement, be really gentle and wash a little bit with warm water after.  It may feel like gas and in most cases it will be a shart of sorts (a wet fart).  We've got bodies, they do what they do, be grateful and don't be embarrassed, a lot of air and what not was just pushed inside so it's totally normal!! 
Try to avoid using soap since you'll be super sensitive and engorged.  And remember, wipe front to back!  Shower anyone?  And take your time going anywhere, I'd give it an hour or so.  Best of luck!!!


  1. I just wanted to comment that I really enjoyed these videos. They were very informative! I hope to see more in the future. You have a way of making it seem easy, fun, and funny at times which, after all, is the point right? Anyway, thanks!

  2. Thank you!!!! It's my goal to really address sex and sexuality from an informative, fun-loving and realistic standpoint. A lot of us were given false or fear-inducing information and I'm honored to be a space to clean that up. People get so serious about sex and yes, like all things it deserves respect and consciousness, however having a sense of humor and compassion will make life AND sex a lot more enjoyable. It's a bit ballsy to do the work I'm doing and sometimes I find myself going, EEK!! But if I don't click post, it means someone out there isn't getting support and knowledge that I have. Gotta get over my own fears of what "they" might think/say. So I really appreciate your comment, it's like a little pom pom cheerleading love comment. THANK YOU!

  3. Ella, I absolutely love your blog. I check up on it weekly, and I recommend my friends to go check it out. Your response to the question about UTIs was BEYOND helpful. Keep posting! Thanks!