Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

Scratch Ella's Back So She Can Scratch Yours

This site runs on your donations, please support Miss Ella by making a little click and sending a dollar or twenty her way so she can keep researching and responding to all of your questions. Thank you!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Are You Struggling With Finding Time For You?

This past week has been full of go-gadget go moments and has flipped
me all around like a triple somersault trampoline circus in a bouncey house.

Managing time, energy, to-do lists, desires.... I figured you, too, get
knocked around and may have trouble balancing it all.

Youtube allows me to record and publish videos immediately
on the site for your viewing pleasure so I took a moment today
to share some insights with you.

Check it out, watch below ;-)

Think about it... what's one thing you can do today to move
forward with something and what's one treat you can bestow
upon yourself? Do it, be it!

And, don't forget to submit your suggestion for the theme
of the upcoming teleconference Q&A call, if I choose
your idea- you get access to the call for free!

Email me at goaskella@gmail.com
and I'll be back next Monday with the answer
to the question of the week! It's gonna be a good one!

Oh and if you don't know what Lightning in a Bottle is...
Lightning in a Bottle

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Whatcha You Wanna Know? Tell Me and WIN!

Well, the moment has arrived and I'm so so so excited!
I'm going to hold my first EVER live teleconference
call so you can all tune in anonymously and get some Go Ask
Ella love and I'll open the floor to questions that you want answered.

And you could win access to the call for free.... check out the video!

I don't think I could wiggle and wag my tail more!
I'm tickled pink by the idea of asking you to help me set the tone of the
evening by suggesting what you want me to talk about.
So, get on it and put on your thinking caps and email me ASAP!


More details to come about date/price but I wanted to let you in on the big news
and make it possible to really cover what you most want to know!

How to be more confident in bed? In life? There are a thousand
places I could go with this call so tell me what's crucial to you!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Mommies Need Love and Hot Sex Too!

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

I am deeply in love with my man, it was love at first sight and right after our meeting, I moved hundreds of miles to the city where he was so we could be together.  Which leads us to where we are today... we decided our love was strong enough to give up any form of birth control and allow our family to be created on fate and not on schedule. We were shocked when conception occurred on the first go, but completely overjoyed and fulfilled. Throughout the pregnancy our only concern was making sure we had enough time for eachother after the arrival of our daughter. Unfortunately, our nightmares are becoming reality. My days are completely consumed caring for our daughter that by night I am too tired to be affectionate and intimate. I feel exhausted and dirty all day from caring for the baby. My partner still finds me unbelievably attractive, but I don't feel the same about my body. Furthermore, I can't seem to find time or the desire to have sex. 
We had an amazing sex life until I delivered our daughter and now my libido has vanished. Also prior to my daughter I felt sexually liberated (finally) and no longer felt shameful for desiring sex, however, I find my old ways are creeping back on me and my mind tells me it is not "proper" as a mom to desire sex (which is how my mom was raised and how she raised me), it is dirty, and something I should not expose my child to. Even during my pregnancy I felt like I wanted to be sexually open as a mom so my child would have healthy perspectives on sex. Now I feel like a nun! I am scared I will lose my partner due to my lack of intimacy (as he has made mention of it a couple times), I am scared I will show my daughter a repressed, unhealthy attitude towards sex, and I am scared my libido will not come back. I miss my sexual openness prior to being a mom. How do I transition from being the sexy, liberated woman I was 7 months ago to the caring mom that I am now? I want a healthy family and this topic is essential in the health of myself, my partner, and my daughter. Please help!

All the best,
Concerned Momma

Dear Concerned Mama,

Oh, my heart just opened up a little bit more today when I read your message.
Thank you for sharing where you're at and where you've been.

I've been talking about this very subject with my mother actually and also
with quite a few new mommies who have, and I quote, "non-existent libidos".  

I'm sure you've heard that as long as breast milk is on the menu for baby, hot sex is not the special
of the day.  But knowing "what's normal" doesn't change the fact that you're feeling icky and insecure.
I hear you, and hormones aside, there are other pieces of the puzzle that need to be examined.

So much energy is stored in our body and what we give birth to is sometimes
an old story from generations past.  Questions are rising, naturally as you just
opened up such a massive part of your physical, emotional, spiritual body by becoming a mother.
I so hear you and want you to know that the fact you are even exploring these ideas, feelings, etc. makes you an amazing mother who has such a great capacity to heal old wounds and have compassion for current ones.

I think we've swallowed, even with the most diligent awareness to not do so,
a lot of societal beliefs about what it is to be a woman, what it is to be a mother.
The fact that the word "dirty" comes up in EVERY conversation I have with women about sex, says A LOT.  I'm thrilled to say that I'll be leading a special call soon where I'll gently pulling up (and off) the "dirty shame bad" girl veil that we all have donned because I believe it's sooooo healing to bring it up, dust it off and go "really, is that true?"

Another piece I'm hearing from you and would like to touch upon...

How to balance time for ourselves, our family, our lover?  I once asked my grandmother
if she considered herself sexual at 67 years old and she said something that stuck with me... "Sex is something you do to have children for a lot of women, and it wasn't until 20 years after my marriages had ended that I began to enjoy sex as something for me with no goal but pleasure."  Hearing her say this made me realize that I rarely just experienced pleasure for myself, even despite my regular masturbation sessions.  I was often just wanting to release, feel something, and feel grounded when it came to self-pleasure but I rarely took the time to just feel and be it.  Does that make sense? 

Now, what's true is your state right now as a new mother is one of giving/nurturing
and it is a different vibration of love then what you share with your man.  However, it appears that the idea of you time A.K.A "self-care"  isn't even on your check list.  Energy, time and hormones play a major role obviously but I think starting a little love time for you is in order, like yesterday.

May I suggest a little experiment?   

Create a date for just you. Mark it on the calendar this week.
Spare an hour for yourself to shower, adorn yourself in your favorite jewelry and most delicious clothing (that you typically avoid because you wouldn't want to get baby goo items on it), and just bring your hands to touch and adore your body.  Awakening your body to the most loving and sensual touch, over your breasts, your thighs, knowing that they are such a divine expression of creation (because you are a creator, a beautiful mother of love and power).  You are alive.

Feel into yourself as a being not a doing.
I'd even invite you to have a little masturbation session with just complete presence.
Do this first for YOU. 

Two to tango... bringing sexy time back to you and your man.

Maybe a little visual inspiration is in order, try watching something that excites you (a movie with a hot love scene or go XXX), viewing porn could definitely help get you back in touch with that raw energy of sexual yum.  Buy a video online and watch it with your man.
There are sooooo many options out there that could very well turn you on, check out Xandria (an online sex shop that prides itself on being discreet).
Sometimes we need a little inspiration to get the gears turning and there's nothing wrong with that.
It's like getting out a map when it's been a few years since we took that journey, you may end up somewhere really fun plus, you'll go there with your guy in tow.

I feel that being in conversation with your heart and inquiring about the beliefs, stories,
fears, guilt, worries- is the key to healing and moving into the depths of what's really creating
blocks.  So, thank you for creating the space to do this by just typing these words into a little box and clicking send.

My whole goal in doing what I do is so that these conversations happen in a safe, loving space and that by experiencing that, we create that for others, especially our daughters and sons.  Thank you for the opportunity to be that space for you and your daughter.  She's lucky to have you.

Big Care Bear Stare to you,

P.S. As you may know, I'm a big fan of homeopathic and natural
remedies, and I try tinctures all the time. And, I happen to be attending a seminar
tomorrow where I'll be learning about natural ways to support our bodies from
an M.D.  I plan on inquiring about hormone help for women of all ages and especially new mommies.   I just found these New Mama drops although I don't know anyone who has out and out recommended them nor used them.  If you try them, let me know what you think/experience.  And what I learn tomorrow, will definitely be up on the blog, so check back.  xoxo

Friday, May 21, 2010

For the first time ever...

So many amazing insights are afoot as are the heat waves, lemme tell ya!
I can't wait to share what I learn from this exploration with all of you...
15 days to go, what's the longest you've gone?

A lot of people masturbate almost like a habit, I know I do- it's like that great
cup of coffee or a cigarette. It's interesting to contain, sustain, refrain, and hold
down the fort. The body is a temple and I'm living in it in a whole new way.

Count down continues, stay tuned...



P.S. If you wanted to learn more on orgasms, click here to read the previous post
"Operation: Happy Lady"

Monday, May 17, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Question of the Week

Hey Ella,

I really enjoy reading your stuff and watching your videos.  You're a really powerful woman and I'm stoked that someone is keeping it real and talking about all this, we need it.  It's refreshing to have a female's perspective and you've really given me a lot of insight.
I get that you write for women more than men but I figured, what the hell, I need some advice.  We could use some help too... do you ever work with us guys?
I'm 27, been with my lady for a few years and I love her but I just feel like I've got some shit to do before I settle down.  I want to get married, I want to have kids, I love her but I'm just not ready.  So do I move to LA and treat myself to one last single rampage or stay in my small town and see if I can tame the dragon with time?



Dear Greg,

Twenty-seven year itch has got you all hot and bothered huh?
I hear ya.  I think it's an epidemic, late 20s and getting ants in our pants
about what we're doing, what it all means and we've got a million temptations
and choices if we live in the western world.

Here's a simple answer, my shortest yet:
Better to explore and find out as opposed to staying and always wondering.

If it's a mistake, then it's a mistake but our biggest mistakes are often our greatest lessons.
I say this from experience... Los Angeles' pollution is nothing in comparison to the hell of "yellow dust" in South Korea.  I walked away from the love of my life because it wasn't the right time and I flew to Seoul (and hated a lot of my experience) but I had to do it, I know myself all the better now (and know I never want to eat kimchi again).

And yet, I catch myself here and want to express that I don't know if we ever can be 100% sure about any thing.  Sounds like right now you just want to be more sure.  What does that look like?  What does that mean for you?  Feel where your answer comes from, some say your gut but ladies aren't food.  Well, to some, but I digress...

You know you want certain things like kids, marriage, a dog named Duke (maybe)- and that's great.  But I'd attach the word "later" to that sentence and get going.
Timing is everything.  The quicker you move towards knowing what's true for you right now, the better it will be for both you and your lady.  You may come back together after your romp but you may not, you have to be okay with that.  For the record, I spoke to seven people this week that ended up getting back together after having "time" apart and I've done it twice. There is hope.

People often stay together because they're afraid they can't do better, they're comfortable, they can't stand the idea of their woman/man being with somebody else.  NEWSFLASH, these are never good reasons to walk down the aisle.  You have to get really real with yourself and ask- is the world a better place, am I a better person in this union/partnership?  For you other readers out there, sit with these questions for longer than a day and chant this over and over a good fifty times before throwing your lover's stuff out on the lawn...

"You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it"- Albert Einstein.

You may always turn your head and check out the girl walking by with a great ass but wanting to hit that (and chase it down and go give the owner of that ass your number) 60% of the time is a good sign that you're not ready to be settled down.  I'm willing to bet money that you feel guilty that you do feel that way and that's why you're considering this big shift.  It's normal, we're animals underneath all this American Apparel (man, their marketing campaigns sure support that urge).

We nest when we have less of an inclination to act on our impulse desires and that's how we know we feel "more sure" than "not sure" about the one we're with.

60/40 split...
I love this percentage comparison, it's what makes me sane when I'm making major decisions. There will always be days that you can't stand your lover, "With or Without You" by U2 comes to mind- the thing to ask is- are the odds in your favor?  If more often than not you want to be with her, stick around.

Relationships are work, our partners are our greatest mirrors, our greatest teachers and we can evolve together bonding, building and creating the most profound and beautiful union.  I believe we grow a lot more when we focus on one person and build trust with them.  Constantly having one foot out the door is a disservice to yourself and your partner.  You're not going to get anywhere until you can really be present right where you are and be clear what you like/don't like about it. Nobody likes a waffler.
Regarding physical health it's safer to be with one person at a time and I think emotionally it's more intimate and nourishing, and at times, yes, a bit more challenging when you're male and under 30. If you are benefiting and she is benefiting by being together in terms of evolution and love, I say second guess your move to the big ol' city of Los Angeles.
However, if you've never gone out and sewn your oats, you may grow to resent her that you never got a threesome under your belt and that's unfair to her.
**Note** Although some guys fantasize about the threesome, that's just it - it's a fantasy and it may not ever be a reality (even if you seek it out).  The reality of the amazing woman who is standing by your side is a reality that is much more tangible (literally, you can go over there and touch her right now).

If you love them set them free right?  Love you, love her, and follow your intuition.  You may last two weeks and realize after sleeping with Josie, Jill and Jackie that your lady is really the one you want.
 If you're that lucky to get that lucky in the sack in two weeks, so may your lady- can you hang with that?
 And, are you cool that she may not want you back once you've dipped into other honey pots?
This is a gamble, and hearts can break- but they always mend.  I don't know if absence makes the heart fonder but this could save your relationship and make you really appreciate what you have. We often don't value what we've got until we've lost it.

I hate to sound like your mom but I was a sex ed teacher so for sanity's sake, use condoms when you're out sewing your seed.  We often forget after being with someone for a long time what drama can occur by not using protection.  Make life easier on yourself and be safe.

I want you to hear that I get you don't want to hurt your girlfriend.  I suggest you to talk to her about this now because if she's given you a couple of years already, it could get ugly.  I don't know how old your lady is but if she wants to have kids, her biological clock is ticking and she's not got the same time frame you have.  My Cousin Vinny anyone?

 If you don't know for sure (60/40) that you're ready to be with just her and only her, you've got some exploring to do.  Maybe when you're 35, you'll meet a 27 year old who's able to meet you right where you are.

Fingers crossed, your lady doesn't currently have a wedding dress picked out and on hold.

Let me know what you end up doing Sir Greg, and know that whatever you decide - it's apparent that you're a good guy and you're asking the right questions.  Only you can know what's right for you, just listen to your heart (not your heads, yes there's an intentional plural of head).

Good luck and good night,


P.S. By just having this conversation with your partner, you will save yourself years of trouble either way.  Give her and yourself the opportunity to really understand your wants, needs, desires and see if they match up.  You could end up falling more in love with each other or you could both become clear that although you love each other, the relationship isn't serving your highest good.  Either way, it's good stuff, in the long run.

P.P.S.  I'm here to support and listen to people, not just my ladies.  I've received some genuinely awesome questions and notes of appreciation from guys, and I'm honored to be a sister of support.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Think Before Popping Pills or Getting An Injection

As a young girl, I grew up in hospitals, literally. My mom happened to be a nurse, as did my father's mother, so you can imagine that it was often a hot topic in the household whether or not I would follow in my matriarchs' footsteps.
When my parents couldn't find a babysitter on the nights they were both working, I often slept in the ER during my mother's shift, in room 13 to be exact.  
And, around age four, I had a freak accident that left me with a lacerated eyeball.  At first glance, it appeared to be unsalvageable but the doctors put me under and performed a miracle, needless to say, after that experience I was a doctor fan and never questioned their guidance, EVER.
Point blank- I am a product of the western medicine world and like many, found myself bowing to science as opposed to kneeling in church pews.   I still believed in angels, but that's a whole other story.

So, when doctors told me that I should go on birth control to regulate my periods at thirteen, I started popping hormone-infused pills.  When my gynecologist told me to get the HPV vaccine when it first came out on the market, I signed up that day for my first injection series.
Every year, since I was 10 years old, I had UTIS (urinary tract/bladder infections) and took loads of antibiotics because that's what I was told to do.  I never thought about it, I knew that doctors knew best.

Today, I really stand on a different bank of the river in regards to medicine.  I've grown up a bit in the past few years and I've begun to question the authorities that I revered.  

Unfortunately, I only began to wake up after experiencing some of the most excruciating physical pain I've had in my life.  Funny, that we often start taking better care of ourselves after our body waves a big red flag that slaps us in the face.  It is my hope that the body doesn't have to send a mac truck of a message in order for us to take better care of it.

Let me give you a little background on the physical pain I was in that changed my life.
In 2008, I had been given countless prescriptions of antibiotics during my time teaching in Seoul, South Korea due to lung infections from the pollution.  My capacity to breathe was improving however I was having burning, cramping and severe inflammation in what felt like my bladder and uterus. I was terrified.  I had gone to my GP doc (general practitioner) and knowing I was a chronic bladder pain gal, he prescribed antibiotics when I got back into the US.  The pain didn't decrease much though and I wondered if maybe it was because the antibiotics weren't strong enough in comparison to what I'd been taking in South Korea.

I waited about two weeks and went out of state to visit my newly born goddaughter.  The night I arrived I was just pounding with pain and so I made an emergency appointment with the local town's clinic.  I had a full gynecological exam where they told me I had a pristine vaginal canal and cervix but that I may have had a STI due to some discharge.  (P.S. discharge is normal for all women, we lubricate naturally to clean out our vagina every day not to mention to help us enjoy sex).  Now, because the nurses at the clinic wanted to help me make the pain go away immediately they treated me with antibiotics orally and an injection (just in case I had gonorrhea and chlamydia).  They informed me that I wouldn't get my results back from my tests for another two weeks but better to not be in pain while waiting.
Within three days, I was doubled over in pain feeling like my insides were being dug out and couldn't stop peeing but had nothing to pee out.  By being in the sun for an hour driving (the antibiotics they gave were so strong that I was advised to not be in direct sunlight), I began to feel like my skin was on fire.  Mind you this was early March in Northern California and not Ecuador.  I was just a mess.
After all this, I received a phone call from the clinic saying that I had no STIs and no infections whatsoever, "sorry for the inconvenience."   I was misdiagnosed and full of antibiotics that were aggravating my already pain riddled body, awesome, thanks!

Finally, I went to my yoga teacher at the time who also happened to be a very educated and wise master healer. He told me to do a cleanse, a candida cleanse, to get rid of all the antibiotics because my system was just depleted of its own natural ability to heal. No sugar, no vinegar, no fruit, no mushrooms, no alcohol, no caffeine, no flour, no dairy, no wheat - and did I mention I was vegetarian? What was I going to eat?  Ahhhhh! But I was willing to do anything at this point and figured I could forego ice cream for three months although it wouldn't be easy. 

I bought a homeopathic remedy, started eating a natural antibiotic (garlic) and within two days, the pain subsided and within one week, I was pain-free for the first time in months.  In the past year, I've only had one incident of feeling a tad ouchy and I just cut back on sugar and took some natural supplements (within hours, my symptoms were gone).  If you're thinking you have a UTI, read my post about what to do, click here

During this year of healing, I realized how much diet and exercise contribute to our health.  What we put in our mouths to feed and empower our system does matter.  

I began to really look at natural approaches to healing and decided that maybe subscribing to the "pop a pill and fix it" mentality wasn't in my best interest.  In fact, I don't believe it's in anyone's best interest.

My perspective was shifting and this put me in a bit of a pickle as far as my education in sexual health and also in conversations with my beloved mom/nurse.  It seemed the education I had was fear based and not big on asking questions of doctors, clinics, and medications.  
I was extensively trained by a premier sexual health organization and never were we taught about natural health remedies.  For years, I was the ask-able person in an extended circle of people not to mention a teen health educator.  I advised many about methods of birth control but not the long term effects, I taught kids about infections and pregnancy, and I encouraged getting exams as often as possible.  I believed in what I taught and I told hundreds of students to get the new HPV vaccination because I really thought it was in their best interest.  I even went so far as to get the HPV vaccination myself because I was afraid of the alternative.  I knew of quite a few women under thirty that had died of cervical cancer and I had countless women in my life who had been treated and "saved."
And now, if I could go back in time I would have done more research on natural remedies and offered those choices to the students, friends, family and myself.  By operating from fear of "what could happen," I thought better to nip in the bud but I never looked at what I could do daily to make my life and body happier.  Luckily, I'm only twenty-seven and I've still got plenty of time to keep educating myself and others.

For the record, I'm not hating on doctors or western science- I think some amazing things have been accomplished in the past 100 years (I love you Dr. Gratiot, I can see because of you) but I think we've missed the point about healing ourselves and looking to more natural options.  A psychiatrist I once knew told me that the best way to treat depression was a little bit of exercise, sunshine, lots of water and healthy food- but rarely did his patients take that prescription seriously.  

The work I do as a coach, speaker and author with Go Ask Ella is all about holistic sexual health and really empowering women to make choices from a place of truth, education, passion and not fear.  A lot of stuff is just basic and were not told for whatever the reason.  I'm really honored to now be a more informed space of wisdom, I'm grateful for the experiences I've had because they allow me to relate to people and I totally get where they come from.  I do my best to be a bridge between western and traditional methods.  I don't stand on soapboxes but I ask questions and I implore others to do the same.  

My biggest regret is that I got vaccinated for HPV and my greatest relief is I didn't have complications from it.  So you can imagine I gulped pretty hard recently when I was asked to spread the word about getting vaccinated against HPV.   My friend who sent me the email  is walking in the Revlon Run/Walk for Women after having lost young female friends to cancer.  I get it that they want to fight against cancer but I think there's a lot of money made around cancer and the fear of it.  Telling people to eat organic doesn't make for big business.  
My vote is to drop the fight and start to love your body and pay attention to what you do to it.  The energy of war on anything feels counterintuitive.  And, isn't it interesting that a company like Revlon is sponsoring this event? The NY Times just published an article expressing chemicals are the largest contributing factors to cancer.  And what do you think are in the ingredients of Revlon makeup?  Helloo!!  Is anyone else seeing the vicious cycle here? We don't know what's in the things we wear on our skin, that we eat, and we certainly don't know what is in the vaccines nor do we know what the long term effects will be.  In fact, haven't we just gotten sicker as a society with all the medicine we're ingesting?  Aren't there more cases of cancer today than ever before?  Makes you think doesn't it?  I sure hope so.

Choice is freedom.  Research, talk to people, ask me and if I don't know I'll do my best to find more information and be real with you about it.  It's my hope that more people are making informed choices from a place of love and not fear.  By speaking about sexuality and health in a real way, I feel it reaches more people and pulls down the veil of shame, guilt and fear.

I leave you with this video that was sent my way today.  I didn't know the HPV vaccine was being mandated, that young girls were being injected by law and I had no idea that so many young women were already experiencing seriously awful side effects from Gardasil (which by the way has the best advertising campaign I've ever seen).  
Please watch and share:  

Loving you,


Monday, May 10, 2010

Have Compassion For The Penis AND The Man Attached To It

 Photo originally published and used by www.thesun.co.uk 

Question of the Week

Hi Ella,

Been reading your blog, would love to get answer for all to see...

Been dating this guy for 7 months casually (we have been living in separate cities). He seems to be very conservative and we tried having sex only once and he had anxiety and couldn't keep his erection. Now he says he is not ready for sex until we are in a more serious relationship, is his emotions getting the best of him or is his penis just shy?


Dear Heather,
I've dated a guy or two that had a problem with getting an erection.  It can be more than a turn off but a complete melt down for both parties so it's really crucial to have compassion and patience. A guy will begin to worry if he'll be able to get it up the next time, the next time, and the next time. With the pressure he puts on himself to perform, your expectations will just be the cherry on top of a very non-edible sundae.  It's a sensitive issue- you can't coddle them, you can't huff and puff pout and you don't want to act disinterested because you do desire them.  I think it comes down to creating a feeling of desire and establishing connection.

I know in the past I've taken it personally and wondered what I did wrong and that just made the guys feel so much worse.  Being compassionate, patient and unattached to whether or not the sex goes down is a little challenging sometimes but that's where you've got to go with it.  Your situation reminds me of this guy that I knew for years that liked me.  After a long time of not thinking "it" was ever going to happen, we ended up messing around randomly.  And you know what happened?  He couldn't get it up, there was too much of a build up for him and he felt really pressured to prove himself after having waited so long.  He was more emotionally attached to the outcome of how the sex was and understandably thought that if he earned an A+, we'd be an item.  That's a lot of pressure on a situation and leads to disappointment if both people aren't vying for the same outcome. Now, many years isn't seven months but I hope you catch my drift.
If you like this guy, communicate that and see where you are willing to meet each other.
Think of this first run like a stumble, it's not defining and EVERY guy has been there at least once.  Too much alcohol, too much stress, lack of attraction, lack of trust... any or all of these issues could be contributing factors.  I think the body has infinite wisdom, it often gives us a signal long before our intellect kicks in.  After talking with a few guy friends about erectile issues, a few said it means "there's no chemistry and it isn't gonna work" and then another friend warmed my heart when he shared, "whenever I start dating a girl, I can't get it up for like a month until I feel really comfortable with them and know it's the real deal."  A lot of us ladies don't realize that guys have their fair share of challenges, blocks, insecurities and that they don't just react from one of their two heads, but their hearts. 

I could share some insights on how to help a guy get and stay aroused but it doesn't sound like that's what you're after.  Sounds like you're on the fence about why his penis is acting the way it is but you're not considering what this relationship means for you and the man attached to the penis.  I don't mean to come off uber-harsh but it seems you have a healthy desire and possibly not the right partner. 
You say he is conservative, what does that mean?  His conservative may be his normal and your normal may be really out there to him.  You have to get clear on this.  I don't know all of the details here, I can scratch the surface but it seems like you're frustrated that you're not on the same page.  So is it a matter of compromising, starting back at square one, or heading on to the next chapter with someone more aligned with you?
It sounds like your guy is pretty clear that casual sex isn't his cup of tea and more intimacy is the order of action.  Being conservative can be code for scared or shy but it could also just mean that he knows where his limits are- at least it looks like his penis does.
And so the question for you is- are you interested in going deeper?  Are you in a place where you can really be loving, compassionate and available for more than a casual sexual convenience?  Is that something you're interested in?    I think we've all had stages where we want different things and sometimes we're just not well-matched for the one that's caught our eye.   Plus, living in separate cities can take its toll on a relationship, especially a budding one.  Seven months is a long time maybe in your mind but it sounds like he can't see the writing on the wall as to where this is all going and his penis is drawing a line in the sand.
I feel for you and your guy, and yet its not rocket science here- I think there's just a failure to communicate and once you do you'll know where to launch.
Now, if anybody wants a bit more info on how to help arouse your guy, comment below or email me and I'll give some tried and true tips.

To infinity and beyond,


Monday, May 3, 2010

Dangerous Liaisons... herpes and polyamory? Yes, no, maybe so?

Question of the Week

I met someone who is fantastic, and they told me they have herpes last night. We have not done anything together. I have never encountered this before, I am having a hard time. I am not freaking out, but giving it thought. I recently declared myself open/poly and am happier than I been in a while. So honest with myself now. So, what is your advice on how to handle this? I really like this guy, and it sucks.


- Elizabeth

Howdy Elizabeth,

Where we can go with this is endless, which I'm sure your mind has imagined plenty already!

That joyful first kiss....

To a possible nightmare coming up from down below...

Been thinking about your question a lot because herpes and polyamory seem to be an interesting cocktail to consciously sip from. I think it's great that you're not freaking out and addressing a very real issue with an additionally open mind. 

It's good that this guy you like knows he has herpes and was awesome enough to communicate this to you, giving you a choice.  Suh-weet!  So many don't know or don't tell.  It's scary to face rejection and there's a lot of judgment out there around STIs that is unfair and so unkind, so props to him and to you!  He does sound fantastic. 

So let's address some of the facts on herpes first!
HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus) has two forms, one is called HSV I and is considered to be oral herpes and the other is HSV II which is genital herpes.  Both types can occur on the genitals or the mouth though.  "Genital herpes is caused most often by HSV-2. Up to 8 out of 10 American adults have oral herpes. And about 1 out of 4 American adults have genital herpes. Millions of people do not know they have herpes because they never had, or noticed, the herpes symptoms"(- Planned Parenthood).

Most people have a very clear warning from an itching or tingling sensation where an outbreak is about to go down and they refrain from rubbage.  Unfortunately, you can't always predict an outbreak and using a condom doesn't 100% help because condoms act as barriers between fluid exchange, not skin to skin contact.  Herpes can be spread to any part of the body that has an open sore (yup that cut on your arm) or to our wet & sensitive parts such as the mouth, eyes, vaginal lips, penis, anus.  It only takes a brief second of contact which is such a bummer. If he tends to have his outbreaks on say the tip of the penis then it would be easier but ouch!  he won't want to be getting down when he's all sored out and neither do you because herpes is most contagious when the sore is leaking or blistery.  A lot of people don't show symptoms for up to year or sometimes never, so be aware of that.  God, I know it sounds like a freaking lose lose situation but really it's not. 

Okay, so what to do?  You appreciated his honesty and the presentation of choice, so I think you should pay that forward and share with your polyamorous crew that you are partnering up with someone who has herpes.  A lot of people have the virus and it's totally manageable, I have plenty of friends who've been in your boat and were with a partner for up to ten years and never got infected.  It's a roll of the dice some say but I think if you're aware, communicating, cautious and considerate it bounces super odds in your favor.

Just continue to be in conversation, ask the guy how often he gets outbreaks and if he's got a good handle on knowing when they're coming.  That's the best you can do. 

And as far as polyamory (for those of you who don't know that's multiple lover/open relationships), I think having one relationship can be challenging enough and juggling multiple balls (sorry, for the second pun) can be tricky especially when it comes to sexual histories of the partners.

 (Photo courtesy of the film Perfume, Dreamworks LLC and Constantin Film Produktion)

However, I like to read three books at a time and people think that's wild and confusing, ha!  We're here to experience and explore and as long as we are honest and communicative about that, the drama has less potential to flair but flair it will- we're human, we're animals.  We all have very different definitions of relationship and our emotional attachment kicks in all sorts of fun ways even with the very best of preparation.  We can really only have power over our reactions and do our best to come from a space of love instead of fear.   

Best of luck to you Elizabeth!  I hope this helps.

And for more info on herpes symptoms, testing and treatment, click here.