Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Monday, May 10, 2010

Have Compassion For The Penis AND The Man Attached To It

 Photo originally published and used by www.thesun.co.uk 

Question of the Week

Hi Ella,

Been reading your blog, would love to get answer for all to see...

Been dating this guy for 7 months casually (we have been living in separate cities). He seems to be very conservative and we tried having sex only once and he had anxiety and couldn't keep his erection. Now he says he is not ready for sex until we are in a more serious relationship, is his emotions getting the best of him or is his penis just shy?

Thanks,
Heather


Dear Heather,
I've dated a guy or two that had a problem with getting an erection.  It can be more than a turn off but a complete melt down for both parties so it's really crucial to have compassion and patience. A guy will begin to worry if he'll be able to get it up the next time, the next time, and the next time. With the pressure he puts on himself to perform, your expectations will just be the cherry on top of a very non-edible sundae.  It's a sensitive issue- you can't coddle them, you can't huff and puff pout and you don't want to act disinterested because you do desire them.  I think it comes down to creating a feeling of desire and establishing connection.

I know in the past I've taken it personally and wondered what I did wrong and that just made the guys feel so much worse.  Being compassionate, patient and unattached to whether or not the sex goes down is a little challenging sometimes but that's where you've got to go with it.  Your situation reminds me of this guy that I knew for years that liked me.  After a long time of not thinking "it" was ever going to happen, we ended up messing around randomly.  And you know what happened?  He couldn't get it up, there was too much of a build up for him and he felt really pressured to prove himself after having waited so long.  He was more emotionally attached to the outcome of how the sex was and understandably thought that if he earned an A+, we'd be an item.  That's a lot of pressure on a situation and leads to disappointment if both people aren't vying for the same outcome. Now, many years isn't seven months but I hope you catch my drift.
If you like this guy, communicate that and see where you are willing to meet each other.
Think of this first run like a stumble, it's not defining and EVERY guy has been there at least once.  Too much alcohol, too much stress, lack of attraction, lack of trust... any or all of these issues could be contributing factors.  I think the body has infinite wisdom, it often gives us a signal long before our intellect kicks in.  After talking with a few guy friends about erectile issues, a few said it means "there's no chemistry and it isn't gonna work" and then another friend warmed my heart when he shared, "whenever I start dating a girl, I can't get it up for like a month until I feel really comfortable with them and know it's the real deal."  A lot of us ladies don't realize that guys have their fair share of challenges, blocks, insecurities and that they don't just react from one of their two heads, but their hearts. 

I could share some insights on how to help a guy get and stay aroused but it doesn't sound like that's what you're after.  Sounds like you're on the fence about why his penis is acting the way it is but you're not considering what this relationship means for you and the man attached to the penis.  I don't mean to come off uber-harsh but it seems you have a healthy desire and possibly not the right partner. 
You say he is conservative, what does that mean?  His conservative may be his normal and your normal may be really out there to him.  You have to get clear on this.  I don't know all of the details here, I can scratch the surface but it seems like you're frustrated that you're not on the same page.  So is it a matter of compromising, starting back at square one, or heading on to the next chapter with someone more aligned with you?
It sounds like your guy is pretty clear that casual sex isn't his cup of tea and more intimacy is the order of action.  Being conservative can be code for scared or shy but it could also just mean that he knows where his limits are- at least it looks like his penis does.
And so the question for you is- are you interested in going deeper?  Are you in a place where you can really be loving, compassionate and available for more than a casual sexual convenience?  Is that something you're interested in?    I think we've all had stages where we want different things and sometimes we're just not well-matched for the one that's caught our eye.   Plus, living in separate cities can take its toll on a relationship, especially a budding one.  Seven months is a long time maybe in your mind but it sounds like he can't see the writing on the wall as to where this is all going and his penis is drawing a line in the sand.
I feel for you and your guy, and yet its not rocket science here- I think there's just a failure to communicate and once you do you'll know where to launch.
Now, if anybody wants a bit more info on how to help arouse your guy, comment below or email me and I'll give some tried and true tips.

To infinity and beyond,

Ella




7 comments:

  1. "his penis is drawing a line in the sand" = priceless

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  2. I agree the penis is drawing a line in the sand- the body is so much smarter than the mind and does not lie! Ella you rock!

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  3. "Now, if anybody wants a bit more info on how to help arouse your guy, comment below or email me and I'll give some tried and true tips...."
    I do! I have been dating this guy for 5 dates, we were friends for 4 months prior. So the first meet and a quick date right after was not there... It is nice, but almost too nice!! Ahhh. First date was nice, dinner, he was a bit grumpy because someone rear ended him the night before, so it dampened the mood a bit... Long story short I really like him, but he is putting on NO moves... never had that before, by this time I normally have a hand held, a back touch, and a KISS... but zip nada, he says he is shy, and I really like an assertive man... He is telling me he wants to take it slow.. But how much talking can we do??... plus I need to know if the physical/sexual chemistry is there, not sleeping together, but a Kiss tells all. I DO NOT want to make the first move! What is a girl to do, it is a funny problem to have, for he treats me like a QUEEN Goddess, but need some fire works TOO, por favor... : )

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  4. I would LOVE to hear some tried and true tips on how to arouse a man - a girl can never have too many tricks up her sleeve or in her bed :)

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  5. I made my first little video with iMovie, it's my response to your comments ladies. It's posted as a new blog. Check it out and tell me what you think.
    Love,
    Ella
    http://goaskella.blogspot.com/2010/05/quickie-for-you-ladies-afraid-to-make.html?zx=caa5bce93efe3051

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  6. Very insightful. What do you think about exercise vs dysfunction? I admit my perspective on this issue is limited, but it appears that the shy penis fellow could easily be suffering from mind and body issues. Men are innately sexually weaker because we are depentent on this extremely sensitve blood filled member which is affected by our overall health and fitness. Possibly yoga together for the couple, what do you think?

    -Matt M.

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  7. Hey Matt-
    Yoga does literally mean union or more specifically "yolking oneself to the divine and being in union with all that is", so that would be fitting (ha, I love unintended puns). Good suggestion!

    I think having healthy flow of blood and heat in the body is key to having emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and sexual health.

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