Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Monday, May 24, 2010

Mommies Need Love and Hot Sex Too!

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

I am deeply in love with my man, it was love at first sight and right after our meeting, I moved hundreds of miles to the city where he was so we could be together.  Which leads us to where we are today... we decided our love was strong enough to give up any form of birth control and allow our family to be created on fate and not on schedule. We were shocked when conception occurred on the first go, but completely overjoyed and fulfilled. Throughout the pregnancy our only concern was making sure we had enough time for eachother after the arrival of our daughter. Unfortunately, our nightmares are becoming reality. My days are completely consumed caring for our daughter that by night I am too tired to be affectionate and intimate. I feel exhausted and dirty all day from caring for the baby. My partner still finds me unbelievably attractive, but I don't feel the same about my body. Furthermore, I can't seem to find time or the desire to have sex. 
We had an amazing sex life until I delivered our daughter and now my libido has vanished. Also prior to my daughter I felt sexually liberated (finally) and no longer felt shameful for desiring sex, however, I find my old ways are creeping back on me and my mind tells me it is not "proper" as a mom to desire sex (which is how my mom was raised and how she raised me), it is dirty, and something I should not expose my child to. Even during my pregnancy I felt like I wanted to be sexually open as a mom so my child would have healthy perspectives on sex. Now I feel like a nun! I am scared I will lose my partner due to my lack of intimacy (as he has made mention of it a couple times), I am scared I will show my daughter a repressed, unhealthy attitude towards sex, and I am scared my libido will not come back. I miss my sexual openness prior to being a mom. How do I transition from being the sexy, liberated woman I was 7 months ago to the caring mom that I am now? I want a healthy family and this topic is essential in the health of myself, my partner, and my daughter. Please help!

All the best,
Concerned Momma

Dear Concerned Mama,

Oh, my heart just opened up a little bit more today when I read your message.
Thank you for sharing where you're at and where you've been.

I've been talking about this very subject with my mother actually and also
with quite a few new mommies who have, and I quote, "non-existent libidos".  

I'm sure you've heard that as long as breast milk is on the menu for baby, hot sex is not the special
of the day.  But knowing "what's normal" doesn't change the fact that you're feeling icky and insecure.
I hear you, and hormones aside, there are other pieces of the puzzle that need to be examined.

So much energy is stored in our body and what we give birth to is sometimes
an old story from generations past.  Questions are rising, naturally as you just
opened up such a massive part of your physical, emotional, spiritual body by becoming a mother.
I so hear you and want you to know that the fact you are even exploring these ideas, feelings, etc. makes you an amazing mother who has such a great capacity to heal old wounds and have compassion for current ones.

I think we've swallowed, even with the most diligent awareness to not do so,
a lot of societal beliefs about what it is to be a woman, what it is to be a mother.
The fact that the word "dirty" comes up in EVERY conversation I have with women about sex, says A LOT.  I'm thrilled to say that I'll be leading a special call soon where I'll gently pulling up (and off) the "dirty shame bad" girl veil that we all have donned because I believe it's sooooo healing to bring it up, dust it off and go "really, is that true?"

Another piece I'm hearing from you and would like to touch upon...

How to balance time for ourselves, our family, our lover?  I once asked my grandmother
if she considered herself sexual at 67 years old and she said something that stuck with me... "Sex is something you do to have children for a lot of women, and it wasn't until 20 years after my marriages had ended that I began to enjoy sex as something for me with no goal but pleasure."  Hearing her say this made me realize that I rarely just experienced pleasure for myself, even despite my regular masturbation sessions.  I was often just wanting to release, feel something, and feel grounded when it came to self-pleasure but I rarely took the time to just feel and be it.  Does that make sense? 

Now, what's true is your state right now as a new mother is one of giving/nurturing
and it is a different vibration of love then what you share with your man.  However, it appears that the idea of you time A.K.A "self-care"  isn't even on your check list.  Energy, time and hormones play a major role obviously but I think starting a little love time for you is in order, like yesterday.

May I suggest a little experiment?   

Create a date for just you. Mark it on the calendar this week.
Spare an hour for yourself to shower, adorn yourself in your favorite jewelry and most delicious clothing (that you typically avoid because you wouldn't want to get baby goo items on it), and just bring your hands to touch and adore your body.  Awakening your body to the most loving and sensual touch, over your breasts, your thighs, knowing that they are such a divine expression of creation (because you are a creator, a beautiful mother of love and power).  You are alive.

Feel into yourself as a being not a doing.
I'd even invite you to have a little masturbation session with just complete presence.
Do this first for YOU. 

Two to tango... bringing sexy time back to you and your man.

Maybe a little visual inspiration is in order, try watching something that excites you (a movie with a hot love scene or go XXX), viewing porn could definitely help get you back in touch with that raw energy of sexual yum.  Buy a video online and watch it with your man.
There are sooooo many options out there that could very well turn you on, check out Xandria (an online sex shop that prides itself on being discreet).
Sometimes we need a little inspiration to get the gears turning and there's nothing wrong with that.
It's like getting out a map when it's been a few years since we took that journey, you may end up somewhere really fun plus, you'll go there with your guy in tow.

I feel that being in conversation with your heart and inquiring about the beliefs, stories,
fears, guilt, worries- is the key to healing and moving into the depths of what's really creating
blocks.  So, thank you for creating the space to do this by just typing these words into a little box and clicking send.

My whole goal in doing what I do is so that these conversations happen in a safe, loving space and that by experiencing that, we create that for others, especially our daughters and sons.  Thank you for the opportunity to be that space for you and your daughter.  She's lucky to have you.

Big Care Bear Stare to you,

P.S. As you may know, I'm a big fan of homeopathic and natural
remedies, and I try tinctures all the time. And, I happen to be attending a seminar
tomorrow where I'll be learning about natural ways to support our bodies from
an M.D.  I plan on inquiring about hormone help for women of all ages and especially new mommies.   I just found these New Mama drops although I don't know anyone who has out and out recommended them nor used them.  If you try them, let me know what you think/experience.  And what I learn tomorrow, will definitely be up on the blog, so check back.  xoxo

1 comment:

  1. I must comment due to the fact I am going through something very similar right now...

    Like Ella said, I think it is very important to keep reminding ourselves that it is healthy, normal, and actually essential that breastfeeding new mothers loose their sex drive. We are not supposed to be putting our energies into men and making more babies at this juncture... we are made to be giving all our intimacy and attention to our new child who needs love and affection like it needs air. I now understand why in many past and present cultures men have multiple wives to rotate between while the new moms cuddle up with their babies:)

    However, if we have chosen a devote ourselves to a committed monogamous relationship, we need to find a way to meet half way with our partner in order to make it through this challenging time. Sometimes it takes literally scheduling a day to have sex/be intimate with your partner while your child is sleeping. As parents we might not find time to watch videos together or have extended self-love sessions, we have to just make use the limited, and often interrupted, private time that we get. And from my experience, although I rarely if ever feel the drive to have sex these days, once we are doing it I definitely enjoy myself. It takes work and commitment sometimes. And maybe our partners should also put in some work/exploration and use this time to harness their sexual impulses. Use meditation to redirect that energy.

    Its hard for both of us and we are still figuring out how to respect and satisfy both of our needs, as well as keeping our relationship in tact. Don't doubt yourself, you are a powerful sexual being who is needed by your child right now... do what you can to keep your man satisfied and the fire will come back when it is needed again.

    Blessings fellow Concerned Mama! And thanks sweet Ella for your beautiful service <3