Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Monday, May 17, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Question of the Week

Hey Ella,


I really enjoy reading your stuff and watching your videos.  You're a really powerful woman and I'm stoked that someone is keeping it real and talking about all this, we need it.  It's refreshing to have a female's perspective and you've really given me a lot of insight.
I get that you write for women more than men but I figured, what the hell, I need some advice.  We could use some help too... do you ever work with us guys?
I'm 27, been with my lady for a few years and I love her but I just feel like I've got some shit to do before I settle down.  I want to get married, I want to have kids, I love her but I'm just not ready.  So do I move to LA and treat myself to one last single rampage or stay in my small town and see if I can tame the dragon with time?


Thanks,


Greg


Dear Greg,

Twenty-seven year itch has got you all hot and bothered huh?
I hear ya.  I think it's an epidemic, late 20s and getting ants in our pants
about what we're doing, what it all means and we've got a million temptations
and choices if we live in the western world.

Here's a simple answer, my shortest yet:
Better to explore and find out as opposed to staying and always wondering.

If it's a mistake, then it's a mistake but our biggest mistakes are often our greatest lessons.
I say this from experience... Los Angeles' pollution is nothing in comparison to the hell of "yellow dust" in South Korea.  I walked away from the love of my life because it wasn't the right time and I flew to Seoul (and hated a lot of my experience) but I had to do it, I know myself all the better now (and know I never want to eat kimchi again).


And yet, I catch myself here and want to express that I don't know if we ever can be 100% sure about any thing.  Sounds like right now you just want to be more sure.  What does that look like?  What does that mean for you?  Feel where your answer comes from, some say your gut but ladies aren't food.  Well, to some, but I digress...

You know you want certain things like kids, marriage, a dog named Duke (maybe)- and that's great.  But I'd attach the word "later" to that sentence and get going.
Timing is everything.  The quicker you move towards knowing what's true for you right now, the better it will be for both you and your lady.  You may come back together after your romp but you may not, you have to be okay with that.  For the record, I spoke to seven people this week that ended up getting back together after having "time" apart and I've done it twice. There is hope.

People often stay together because they're afraid they can't do better, they're comfortable, they can't stand the idea of their woman/man being with somebody else.  NEWSFLASH, these are never good reasons to walk down the aisle.  You have to get really real with yourself and ask- is the world a better place, am I a better person in this union/partnership?  For you other readers out there, sit with these questions for longer than a day and chant this over and over a good fifty times before throwing your lover's stuff out on the lawn...

"You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it"- Albert Einstein.

You may always turn your head and check out the girl walking by with a great ass but wanting to hit that (and chase it down and go give the owner of that ass your number) 60% of the time is a good sign that you're not ready to be settled down.  I'm willing to bet money that you feel guilty that you do feel that way and that's why you're considering this big shift.  It's normal, we're animals underneath all this American Apparel (man, their marketing campaigns sure support that urge).

We nest when we have less of an inclination to act on our impulse desires and that's how we know we feel "more sure" than "not sure" about the one we're with.

60/40 split...
I love this percentage comparison, it's what makes me sane when I'm making major decisions. There will always be days that you can't stand your lover, "With or Without You" by U2 comes to mind- the thing to ask is- are the odds in your favor?  If more often than not you want to be with her, stick around.

Relationships are work, our partners are our greatest mirrors, our greatest teachers and we can evolve together bonding, building and creating the most profound and beautiful union.  I believe we grow a lot more when we focus on one person and build trust with them.  Constantly having one foot out the door is a disservice to yourself and your partner.  You're not going to get anywhere until you can really be present right where you are and be clear what you like/don't like about it. Nobody likes a waffler.
Regarding physical health it's safer to be with one person at a time and I think emotionally it's more intimate and nourishing, and at times, yes, a bit more challenging when you're male and under 30. If you are benefiting and she is benefiting by being together in terms of evolution and love, I say second guess your move to the big ol' city of Los Angeles.
However, if you've never gone out and sewn your oats, you may grow to resent her that you never got a threesome under your belt and that's unfair to her.
**Note** Although some guys fantasize about the threesome, that's just it - it's a fantasy and it may not ever be a reality (even if you seek it out).  The reality of the amazing woman who is standing by your side is a reality that is much more tangible (literally, you can go over there and touch her right now).

If you love them set them free right?  Love you, love her, and follow your intuition.  You may last two weeks and realize after sleeping with Josie, Jill and Jackie that your lady is really the one you want.
 If you're that lucky to get that lucky in the sack in two weeks, so may your lady- can you hang with that?
 And, are you cool that she may not want you back once you've dipped into other honey pots?
This is a gamble, and hearts can break- but they always mend.  I don't know if absence makes the heart fonder but this could save your relationship and make you really appreciate what you have. We often don't value what we've got until we've lost it.

I hate to sound like your mom but I was a sex ed teacher so for sanity's sake, use condoms when you're out sewing your seed.  We often forget after being with someone for a long time what drama can occur by not using protection.  Make life easier on yourself and be safe.

I want you to hear that I get you don't want to hurt your girlfriend.  I suggest you to talk to her about this now because if she's given you a couple of years already, it could get ugly.  I don't know how old your lady is but if she wants to have kids, her biological clock is ticking and she's not got the same time frame you have.  My Cousin Vinny anyone?



 If you don't know for sure (60/40) that you're ready to be with just her and only her, you've got some exploring to do.  Maybe when you're 35, you'll meet a 27 year old who's able to meet you right where you are.


Fingers crossed, your lady doesn't currently have a wedding dress picked out and on hold.


Let me know what you end up doing Sir Greg, and know that whatever you decide - it's apparent that you're a good guy and you're asking the right questions.  Only you can know what's right for you, just listen to your heart (not your heads, yes there's an intentional plural of head).

Good luck and good night,

Ella

P.S. By just having this conversation with your partner, you will save yourself years of trouble either way.  Give her and yourself the opportunity to really understand your wants, needs, desires and see if they match up.  You could end up falling more in love with each other or you could both become clear that although you love each other, the relationship isn't serving your highest good.  Either way, it's good stuff, in the long run.

P.P.S.  I'm here to support and listen to people, not just my ladies.  I've received some genuinely awesome questions and notes of appreciation from guys, and I'm honored to be a sister of support.

4 comments:

  1. Hugely awesome advice. Definitely giving me some thoughts to meditate on before I go for a big change...the good ol' 60/40 ruler is helpful too!

    Thanks Ella!
    "Sir Greg"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great advice, spot on.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ella, you are incredible! I don't know which team you play on but your girlfriend/boyfriend is lucky to have you. I wish I knew someone like you about twenty years ago, would've saved me a lot of time, money and heartbreak.
    Seriously, you are amazing. Hope your partner knows that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks! I appreciate your not assuming I go one way over another, grateful for the compliment. And as for having saved time, money and heartbreak- we are where we're at, no one's perfect and all of us, me included, have a lot to continue to learn.
    Partners aren't so much luck as they are a reflection of how you feel about yourself and relationships are a lot of love conquering fear toiling.
    Being in love isn't easy like Sunday morning all the time, however I'll put on my tiara and agree that I'm "amazing" most days and pass the info on to my guy. ;-)

    ReplyDelete