Ella Lauser is a new paradigm sexual health and wellness coach, writer, speaker and energetic healer. But perhaps most importantly she is the sister you probably never had!

At an early age, Ella had the unique opportunity to be a confidant and support system for many people. With wisdom, humor, and openness passed down to her from her bisexual grandma, Ella received a rich education. In 2000 at UC Santa Cruz she began The I Want Sex Club (I.W.S.C.) for students who wanted to talk about sex in a non-judgmental, supportive forum. Shortly thereafter, she graduated with a Sociology B.A. from UCLA, and then went on to teach comprehensive sexual health education to high school classrooms throughout Los Angeles Unified School District.

Now, Ella is finally working on a book that will share her insights on sexuality and in the interim she's offering exclusive private one-on-one coaching packages, providing the perfect space for women to become empowered emotionally and sexually, discovering what they want, how to ask for it and most importantly how to receive it. It's her greatest passion to be of service and offer you the tools, understanding and support to check in and be with what you really are, - amazing and beautiful!

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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Twisted Sister- threatened by the ladies

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

You seem to be really comfortable with everything. How do you manage that?
In fact, I think you're the one girl I've met (and I haven't even met you in real life)
that I'm not intimidated by.  I don't trust girls, especially pretty ones- I think they're
evil most of the time which is why I just hang with the boys.  I hate that I look at
every girl and think how much prettier, smarter, thinner, better she is than me.  
I don't wanna be such a hater but girls are such drama and stuck up.
I'm not a tomboy but I'm not a priss either. What do I do?

Lonely girl with no sister

Dear Lonely Girl,

You do have a sister, it's you and it seems to me that that relationship needs a super dose of love.  If you judge being a girl so much, how can you enjoy being one?  I get it, I've been there and it changes when we become more aware of who we're being in situations.  

I believe that we are reflections.  What I mean to say is, what pisses you off in someone is something you won't accept about yourself.  Where are you creating drama in your life?  When have you created distrust in yourself?  I don't even mean to say that you've been distrustful in the eyes of others but of your own heart.

Women are emotional creatures, all people are but women have a lot more playing with them on a hormonal level among other things.  We're verbal, our brains co-conspire with both sides of the hemispheres simultaneously- we shed anew each month and we are able to hold and birth life- pretty awesome saucy beings, if I do say so myself.

My worst fights and deepest betrayals have been with women but it really began with myself because I was not being aware.  When you're confronted with hate (which is a very intense if not extreme sensation), it is an opportunity for you to witness how being right is safer than being love.  Do you understand what I mean by that?

When we judge others for their behavior, we make ourselves right and we disconnect from them and the lesson being presented.  In truth, we are all one.  Everything that exists is in us and it is our divine right to choose, and keep choosing, what we prefer.
So I ask you, how does it serve you to feel worse, better, different, superior, inferior, uglier, less dramatic?  How does it serve the people you are around?  How does it serve the world?  There will always be someone with more or less of what you have- from your perspective.   

What do you get out of not trusting and hating other women?  
A friend of mine once told me that the love we are withholding is the pain that we carry. We become addicted to our pain, our misery because it's familiar and it's something that we often commiserate (co-misery) on.  I used to bitch about a lot of things with my girlfriends to feel better but I never really did.  Rubbing wound to wound often only instigates or perpetuates a fallacy (that we're less than we are). Sometime venting is great but we have to remember that we're not our emotions, we are not our stories, we are not what someone else thinks, we are not even our experiences.  We are so much more than that.

I've had a number of close girlfriends throughout my life and I've definitely felt the things that you expressed.  I've had close friends sleep with my boyfriends, I've had big secrets revealed, I was ditched last minute by my best friend since kindergarten at prom... and you know what?  I learned a lot from those experiences, it's led me to have greater compassion and understanding for myself and what I want in a friendship.  
AND I did all those things to myself.  By taking responsibility for your part in every situation (which is something my mother always preached and I'd plug my fingers in my ears saying la-la-la-la), you are able to move on.  Acknowledge when something hurts and look at your role in it.  If it's about a guy, did you listen to your inner guidance/your heart when you chose to be with him?  I made some crappy decisions, quite a few actually, and unknowingly betrayed myself because I wasn't paying attention.  I was going for a fix outside of myself.  I know it seems trite but the whole expression about "loving yourself before you love someone else" isn't just about romantic love but sisterhood, friendship, family, et cetera.  You are not alone, truly you aren't.  Feeling lonely is a response to feeling disconnected from you and all that you are.  Create more time for you doing what you love- I find it's impossible to feel alone when I'm in nature or when I see a ridiculously adorable animal (which led me to nearly kissing a pig named Daisy today on a farm, but I digress).

The only thing in life that you have control over is how you show up for you.  Your reactions to what happens is what defines you, you choose it.  Who do you want to be?
Choose love over fear, choose compassion over righteousness, choose gratitude over bitterness. This is a daily practice, some days are easier than others but just keep choosing what feels good.  

Be the friend you want to be.  Be the sister you want to be.  
Live a little. 


Your sister Ella

P.S. I think at a really young age we all experience a moment where someone we loved/trusted acted differently than we would have hoped or expected.  This often happens with our mothers, sisters or a best friend.  The beautiful thing about this is we're not in elementary school any more and we get to create our relationships more consciously as adults.  Change your belief and start being the change you want to see, now.  We can learn so much from the women we fear, it's what's in them that we're afraid to be, see, embrace and shine.  

1 comment:

  1. Great advice Ella. We are indeed all reflections. I find that the things I get the most frustrated about, once I go inside, meditate, heal and let go, the situation changes, my relationships change, I am no longer frustrated and I can see myself and others in a more accurate, loving way.

    The process of making peace with my femininity has been one of the most surprising and empowering experiences.